Wednesday, July 13, 2005


I've been doing a lot of remembering this week. For some reason, strange images keep popping into my head at the oddest times. Mostly tactile sensations...and the feelings they no particular order.

Walking through Babies R Us carrying the blue stuffed dog, hugging and petting it and marvelling at how soft it was.

Watching Dr. Phil, standing bent over with my pregnant belly hanging to give my back some relief.

The absolute nirvana of eating grape tomatoes and drinking chocolate milk.

Rubbing my pregnant belly and the feel of the soft pink stretch maternity shirt I was wearing.

Sitting in the rocking chair in the darkness of 12:30am, feeling the cool breeze of the ceiling fan, and listening to the silence.

Laying in bed, grabbing Steve's hand and telling him to work his magic to calm his son down.

Sam saying, "I want up," and climbing into my lap...feeling the weight of my belly and rearranging myself so Sam and Alex would both fit with minimum discomfort.

Standing in the shower with hot water pouring down my neck, my hands on my pregnant belly, feeling Alex move and stretch.

The brightness of the snow out the big wall of windows as we started working on tearing up the carpet in the living room.

Being exhausted and out of breath after the long pregnant trudge up the driveway when the minivan got stuck in the slush.

The scent of the hallway as we walked out of the ultrasound when we found out Alex was a boy. The feel of Steve's hand on my back when he asked me if I was sad it wasn't a girl.

Waiting for Steve to come in from the barn and falling asleep with Sam sitting next to me and Thomas the Tank Engine playing for the millionth time on the television in our bedroom.

The squeak of the brand new couch as I lowered my big self down onto it to watch television at night.

The bright blue sky, the green grass, and the gentle breeze of the day we buried Alex.

I don't know if these images are supposed to soothe me or sadden me. But I wish I had some control over them. I feel like I'm watching some crazy fast-edit music video.


Amanda said...

Oh Catherine. I'm so sorry. I remember those feelings you're having now - I still have them too. It's such a hard time right now and you will get through this. Believe it. Try to take one day at a time. And email me anytime you want - I'm here for you. You will not always be in this dark place.

Pat said...

I love you all and care about your pain.