Thursday, July 07, 2005

Nothing to say

Do you ever just have nothing to say, but feel like you should fill up the silence with something? I've been having this feeling a lot lately. I think my mind is turning too fast because I keep imagining what must be going through other people's minds when there is any amount of silence between us. It's like I imagine they are thinking about how sad it must be to be me, so I need to reassure them that while I am sad, my existence has not become sad. I feel like I need to fill up the silence so that they won't feel pity for me.

When did I become pitiful? And why did I become pitiful? Why didn't I become like some tragic heroine in a novel, where everyone sees me as strong and mysterious and soulful because of my grief? One of many things I think television has done a disservice to. Instead of shaping characters for the rest of their lives, the loss of a child is only temporarily mourned and then everyone moves on to the next great crisis, seemingly forgetting the child ever existed. In the days of the great novels, people remembered things like children and great loves and great tragedies. Now it seems like there are so many to pick and choose from, we're supposed to move on in the blink of an eye.
Tuesday I got my high school class ring back from Jostens after having it resized. One of the best customer services they provide is lifetime resizing. Of course, it took me fifteen years to realize I was never going to be small enough to wear the high school size again. But now that I have come to terms with having sausage fingers, my ring has been resized. I think pants makers should offer the same service. When my butt gets too big for my jeans, Levis should replace them or resize them for me. Don't ya think?
My first crocheted hat turned out remarkably well...though a bit large. I have learned I need to either (a) get a smaller hook and some lighter yarn; or (b) cut the pattern down by about half the stitches. I tried alternative (b) and was quite pleased with the results. I will still have to buy a smaller hook and some lighter yarn. I want to work with that soft baby feels so calming as it runs through your fingers.
How soon is too soon to think about having another baby? I will never replace my Alex...but my clock ain't slowing down. And, after all, Alex existed because we wanted a baby. Thoughts?


MB said...

I totally believe that you're ready when you say you're ready. It's totally a personal choice.

Holley said...

I think you and Steve both need to be ready. If you're thinking about it, you're probably ready.

Big Hugs.

lauralu said...

david and deadbabymama both took a year for themselves and recommended it to us, but i don't have that luxury, given my age and my shady eggs, so i'm trying as soon as my doctor gives me the green light. you'll know when it's the right time for you.

vixanne wigg said...

We started trying ASAP...after one cycle. But we have no living children. I felt it was the only thing that would help heal the pain. It's a totally personal decision. Only you can make the choice, and I don't think there is a wrong choice.