Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Jealousy

I hate self-assurance, because I used to have it.
I hate people with all the answers, because I once was like that.
I hate happy baby talk, because all I have is sad baby talk.
I hate religion, because it provides me no comfort.
I hate people who don't have all the answers, because I want some and have very few.
I hate crying, because it seems to be all I do.
I hate that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is horribly wrong, because something IS horribly wrong.
I hate that people tell me to just give it time, because it seems all I have left is one long endless stretch of time.
I hate that people are afraid to talk to me, because I would have been the same way.
I hate that people don't know what this is like, because I want someone to share my pain and understand.

I'm jealous of all those people out there who have what I used to have...a happily complicated-with-everyday-things kind of life. This is what my life is reduced to...simple jealousy. I feel a need to turn this around FAST. This is not who I want to be. I won't ask for suggestions, because I fear they would only serve to piss me off. lol Just know that I'm aware of this and I'm trying to fix it.

4 comments:

vixanne wigg said...

I know what most of what it's like. I relate to this post a lot.

lauralu said...

at the moment, the comfort i take from these feelings is that they fuel my creative juices. which is swell and all, but that's it.

Jill said...

Honestly, your lists should be handed out at the hospital with the 'kit' on 'how to cope and what happens next' guff.

You are so eloquent - thanks:)

Julie said...

((((((Cathy))))))
I hate this too. And I know you want people NEAR you to understand and know what you are going through, but you DO have people on the internet. It's not enough, but it is something.