Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Why?

I'm not ashamed to admit I have been a member of a message board since I first thought I was pregnant with Sam way back in 2001. I have grown to know the ladies on their like they were extended family. We celebrate with each other, pray for each other, and mourn for each other. I love them like sisters.

Since Alex died I have been unable to post more than a couple of messages on that board (congratulations for friends who have had babies). I find something very annoying about posting about cleaning my house or fixing dinner right now...my issue, I know.

But today I was checking our "calendar" to see when a particular friend's toddler would celebrate his third birthday. I scrolled through the birthday list, which has now been updated to include births that occurred after our Due In June 2002 babies. This includes all babies born in 2003, 2004, and now 2005. 42 babies born since our last June 2002 baby was born. If you scroll through the pages and pages of birthdays, you come to a section at the end..."Our Angels." Alex is alone in that section. I'm touched that they would remember us in that way.

But now I can't stop crying.

All those happy birthdays...Why our Alex?

2 comments:

lauralu said...

cath, you are a truly prolific blogger! i can hardly keep up!

i know it's easier said than done, but i encourage to practice letting go of what other people say about you and their expectations of you. you can't do it without practicing it. but the first time you really let go, the freedom you will feel will be like crack to you. i promise.

hang in there.

Jill said...

When I asked why? once, the answer I got was "because 'y' has a long tail".

Makes no sense at all: that answer or why Alex died. I'm so sorry you were robbed of that whole future.

You are doing well just to go back to those message boards you went to when you were still happily pregnant. You must give yourself credit for that:)