Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Why did you say that?

Since Alex died, I have replayed several conversations in my head repeatedly. I'm sure it has something to do with the guilt complex I've got going on. So I'm hoping that by giving them a voice "out loud" here, they will go away and leave me alone.
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After Sam was born, our neighbor never came over to wish us congratulations. We saw her several months later and she explained that she saw my hospital admission and discharge in the newspaper, but no mention of a baby, so she didn't want to say anything because she thought something might have gone wrong, but she wasn't sure. I laughed. I actually laughed at the thought.
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While listening to Sam scream from the living room for over an hour one night (some two year old temper tantrum), Steve and I were in the bedroom and I looked at him and said, "Yeah, let's have two. Who thought that was a good idea?"
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My response to the nurse asking, "Feeling the baby move?"
"uh...yeah...and he kicks HARD."
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Several times at work in response to, "How are you feeling?"
I said, "So great, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."
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Walking to the car after work one day, a colleague shouted across the parking lot, "Girl, when ARE you due? You're huge!"
I laughed, "I know, I know."
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Sittng in the doctor's office waiting room the morning we found out Alex was gone, this very blonde lady sitting two chairs away smiled at me and said, "When are you due."
I quietly said, "June 9th."
She cheerfully quipped back, "It's not long now."
If she only knew.
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To calm my co-worker's fears about pregnancy and childbirth I said, "Don't worry about it...you'll be FINE."
How arrogant.
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God help me, I will watch what I say from now on.

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