Tuesday, June 28, 2005

This is making me crazy

Now I know how Steve feels when I tell him he can't just fix my problems...that he just needs to listen. I want to do something, anything, that will move me forward. I don't want to be told that time will ease the pain and I should just wait it out. I don't want to hear that it's different for everyone...how long it takes to heal even a little bit. I want some concrete answers. I want a plan of action. I don't want to be healed...I just want to know when I can look forward to feeling even a little bit better. Take your time. That's what you tell someone when you have no clue what else to tell them! How about some hope here?

Steve...I'm sorry I ever yelled at you for trying to fix my problems. This helplessness is awful.


vixanne wigg said...

I'll be honest. What helped me most of all was getting pregnant again. I am 16 weeks after losing our baby in December. The fear and sadness are still there, but it does take some of the sting out. Not being able to try again was the worst for me because I felt like I was stuck in limbo and couldn't do anything. Then trying again was frustrating and hard, but at least I felt like I was taking some steps to "fix" things. (We don't have any living children.)I was lucky that it didn't take us very long to get pregnant again. The first month I was in shock. The second and third months I was in deep anger and bitterness and jealousy and hated the world. Then after I got pregnant again that started to ease up. It has now been six months and I am much much better...not whole and not happy...but not wanting to punch the entire universe in the face.

So, I can't tell you how you are going to get through this and what it's going to be like for you, but that's what helped me. I hope that the grief process is quick for you. It is a really hard place to be.

Amanda said...

Hi there. Just wanted to say I'm so glad you "found" my blog and I'm going to keep reading yours. I wish you lots of hope and a healing heart.


Jill said...

For me, just about every last thing in my life is compared to THE day. And nothing comes close to that. So then I have to admit I am better now than I was that day, regardless of how low I can feel.

I also needed to feel as though I was 'fixing' the situation. Problem: should be pregnant but am not. Solution: be pregnant again. And for the first time in my subfertile life I got pregnant quite quickly. Also for the first time I went in for a battery of tests to try to find out 'why?' so I could have some sort of plan for when I got pregnant again. It's only a pretense of being in control, but it's what I needed to move forward. Even if it was b.s. and little more than a distraction in the end:)

I think there are two kinds of people in the world - those who can surrender control, and those who hate to and really can't.And that's what loss and grief is about: control. It helped me to identify which I was and how to tailor my life to that. And facts are, one day you do just feel a little better. It's not a bolt of lightening when it happens, but it is when you realise it:)

deadbabymama said...

Here's some hope. Although I can't tell you when, or how to get there, despite everything you will feel better. I promise, you will feel better.

vixanne wigg said...

I think what you said about control is really true. I am the kind of person who hates to give up control. Do you really think that the kind of person who can give up control gets through it easier?

Jill said...

In answer to Vixanne (but not wanting to hijack your comments Catherine!!) I think people with a sense of certainty in a god-type ideal are happier to give control to that power. If it all turns tits up, they can quite contentedly find peace in the idea that someone else is pulling the strings - there is a plan they don't know about and therefore it is not their fault.

Reading your latest post Catherine, it occurs to me that the guilt we feel is about control too. You feel so bad because you think that maybe your words had control over the outcome. In any case I think that would be true for many people.

The grieving has to be worse if, in the end, you can only find yourself to blame. If there is no other person and you can't 'give it to God', then yes, I would say that those who can surrender their control have a better time.

Catherine said...

I don't believe I have/had control over this situation. But I don't believe God does/did either. I can't believe in a God that creates pain and suffering like this to satisfy some master plan that we're not privy to until we die. Nothing justifies this kind of horror.

I believe in a merciful and loving God who maybe isn't as powerful as we're taught in Sunday school. God loves and makes sure we are not alone during the tough times, but he doesn't pull the strings like we're all in some puppet show. God is just as horrified as we are at what happened to us. And you don't give control over to God, but trust that he will not foresake you in your time of need. You can lean into his love and know that you are not alone.

Kind of like a parent. There are some things (most things) we cannot control in our childrens' lives. We have to help guide them and support them, but we can't fix every hurt for them...no matter how much we might want to.

Jill said...

I guess that is how I see God too. I have always been very aware of the notion of free will which has to extend to the idea that God is more of an overseer than an orchestrator.

I am not overly religious so I don't go to God for comfort or support - it's just not something I have ever done or been taught to do.

My (extended) family is very religious though, and they certainly hand over the responsibility of practically everything to God and I don't think they are alone. And it's not just God you can hand it over to but 'fate' or 'destiny'. I know many more people who have found peace in beliving in destiny.

None of it cuts it when you are talking about losing a child though. But if you can find something that you can accept that gives you some kind of answer/support, then take it and gain strength from it. But I still look back and wonder about what I could have done differently. I can only speak from my experience and that influences how I read others' expereices too. Thanks for sharing your way of looking at God:)

Catherine said...

Well, even if God is pulling the strings, I still can look back at the choices my free will made and second-guess myself. The food I ate, the medication I took, the heavy lifting I did, the work stress I was under...I'm sure none of it was the direct cause of Alex's death. But maybe if I'd just changed one thing (or a couple of things) then it could have turned out differently? That's true of anything, really. If I'd decided not to take that class in college, I wouldn't have met my husband...etc, etc, etc. So why should this be any different, ya know?