Today I wrote a letter to Sam so that he would have a living memory of this whole time in our lives...but most especially a memory of Alex. It was the hardest letter I've ever had to write in my life, because I wanted to fill it with all the love and hope we shared when we were anticipating Alex's arrival. It was good to revisit those memories...if only to be reminded that this life wasn't always a nightmare. It doesn't erase the bitterness and sadness over the time we were cheated out of, but it helps me to remember to be thankful for the time we did have.
I hope that some day Sam will find some peace in knowing that we had good times expecting Alex. I'm grasping at ways to make the long and sad road ahead a bit easier for him. If anyone has any suggestions, I would appreciate hearing them.