Saturday, May 28, 2005

Marathon distractions

The week after Alex died I had the funeral to concentrate on. The week after the funeral, I had thank you's to send out. This past week, I've had Sam's birthday to concentrate on. Now I have nothing to distract me.

Alex was due to be born on June 9th. He's gone and I can't stop thinking about what should have been. I should be eagerly anticipating his birth. I should be big and pregnant and complaining about insomnia. I should be buying last minute baby items to make his homecoming perfect.

The thought of what actually is just makes me feel empty inside. Alex's birth has come and gone and I have no baby to bring home. I'm not pregnant and I have an extra 10 lbs to carry around now. I guess I can still complain about insomnia, but it's much different. I'm buying remembrance momentos and planning flowers for his grave instead of what outfit to dress him in for his first set of professional pictures.

Someone told me grief is like a marathon. I think they're right. I started out by distracting myself with the scenery along the way. Now all I see is the long desolate road ahead of me. It's going to be a very long summer.

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