Monday, February 28, 2005

If wishes were pennies

I wish I could say I have never second-guessed our decision to have another child. But I have to be honest here and tell you that I have, more than once, been terrified we've made some sort of horrible mistake. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby already, and I'm beyond excited at the thought of giving Sam a baby brother and having a family of four. But there are times when I wonder about our willingness to deliberately add to the drama already handed us in the universe.

So I thought it was time for some perspective.

I think about all the time I spent waiting until things were "perfect." I spent a year in this job, waiting for FMLA to kick in, before committing to another child. I made sure our finances were under control before committing to another child. I made sure we were all emotionally prepared to handle it before committing to another child. I planned so we would be potty-trained (or at least somewhat on the way) before committing to another child. I did all those things you're SUPPOSED to do.

Now here I sit, with the distinct probability that I will either lose my job, or have my hours cut by at least 20%. All that planning down the drain. And I feel like I should have planned more...or better...or longer. I feel like somehow I didn't do ENOUGH. Somehow I failed.

But then I stop and really look at my life and realize that no matter what I did or didn't do, stuff happens. It's as if God says, " think YOU'RE in control? HA! Watch this." And I'm not an overly religious person, but I know that He doesn't dish out more than you can handle. You're supposed to learn and grow through the tough times.

And I have to admit that I've learned a lot the past month or so...

No matter how old you are, your mom will always love you and give you a posey on your birthday.
No matter what happens to your career, your husband will still love you and surprise you with a supportive email that makes you cry or laugh...whatever you need that day.
No matter whether you can afford daycare or not, your son will love you...and will most likely love spending time with you (as long as you sit and watch The Wiggles with him a half dozen times).
No matter whether you talk to them every day or only email every now and then, friends understand and share all those special moments with you.

There are days when I feel not so optimistic and the doubts creep back in. But then there are days when I hear from an old friend and make plans for lunch and I realize that I have not failed, I am not worthless, and I am most certainly not alone. It's time to count the blessings and rank myself on the hopeless scale. There are many out there who do more with less...I can make it too.

And no matter what happens...this baby is not a mistake...ever.


Backpetal said...

Hey, just wanted to say that wondering if maybe having a second baby wasn't such a good idea after all are totally normal, even in moms who are facing much less stress than you are. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with job worries right now. You SO don't need that. Know that lots of people think you're great -- not just your little boy and your husband and your family, but old college roommates who miss you very much as well.

Hoyt said...

I second that as the husband of an old college roommate. And know that things will work out because of everyone who does care about you and yours.