IRL

I was talking this weekend with some friends "from the computer" (that one's for Shanna's dad). Truth is, these particular friends...this group of women...saved my life. I don't say that to be melodramatic. I say it because it is the truth. When I felt like I couldn't take one more step, they were there with the words I needed to hear..."It WILL get better. I don't know when or how...but it WILL get better." 

During our conversation, however, I made a mistake. And today, as I was processing it all, I remembered. I remembered how I first came to know this amazing world of the blog people. 

The day I came home from the hospital, I scoured the internet and searched for an answer. Why did this happen to us? to our Baby Alex? And then I found this post. 

"Orson was born in room 15 of MacDonald Women's Hospital, Second floor. Zelda was born in 16. And Calvin in 17. A trifecta." Just a few days after Alex was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...and just four years after Calvin was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...this stranger was welcoming a living son to the world. I greedily soaked up his words and followed the links of the people who commented on his posts. 

I fell down the rabbit hole. 

I was crazed and unkempt...and I didn't care. 

The people I encountered as a result of my rabid googling could have turned me away. But they didn't. 

And once a year, round about this time, I feel like I should thank them for that...thank YOU for everything. 

So...

Thank you to all the people who have come out of my computer and made such a difference in my life. I love you and I can never ever ever repay you for all that you have done for me.

Well, that was a fun few days.

It's "easier" than it used to be. But it ain't easy. There are moments when I literally wish April 8 - May 11 could simply be erased from the calendar.

Come on summertime! I am SO ready!

I couldn't even come up with a title for this post because I don't even know how to mark these entries anymore. Verbal diarrhea post #967572?

I took a pinwheel to the other two at the cemetery. I hadn't been for a long time before my friend lost her baby. Now I want to go every day. But I know it's not good for me.

I wandered over to her baby's grave. Rainwater beaded on the outside of a pack of baseball cards left for him. Indians Opening Day saw the longest game in opening day history. Seemingly appropriate for a dad missing his baby boy...his toddler...his big boy...his elementary schooler...his teenager...

I still have a brick filled with baby ashes sitting on a shelf.

Nobody else remembered April 8th...

...except me.

But, hey, at least it's "easier" now.

Little Bug - 3