Happy New Year

As this year ends, I can't help but reflect on the ending of the previous few years.
2004

Today I had a holiday with my son for a whole day...it is an absolutely wonderful day.

2005

I feel better about wishing someone a happy tomorrow than I do a happy new year. Less pressure.

2006

As this year ends I don't know how to make resolutions. I resolve to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can. That's all I've got left in me.

And now 2007 brings a sincere Happy New Year wish out of me. I am ready to face 2008 with optimism and enthusiasm.

It's true, I'm not the same completely happy and satisfied person I was in 2004...pregnant and unaware of what fate would bring. But I am also not the same sad and hopeless person I was in 2005 and 2006...mourning the loss of our babies and unable to feel any happiness for the future. I am a new person who feels ALL of those things in a more proportional manner. None of them eclipses the other in what I feel now.

2007 has brought so much to our lives. Hope. Joy. Healing. I think it's important that people know we are not healed. Not by a long shot. We are not at some miraculous finish line where everything is set right...where balance has been fully restored. But we have found some healing. The start of a process that I imagine will last the rest of our lives.

And in that process there will be smiles and tears. There will be days when we eagerly step forward...and days when we "just show up." There will be days when we celebrate...and days when we mourn.

We are lucky in that we found the start of our healing in a new little baby boy. But we recognize that he cannot shoulder the responsibility of providing our happiness. And we recognize that there is still a vast emptiness where two other little souls passed through.

So our resolution for this new year is to take it one day at a time...one step at a time...and try to continue to heal...and try to eek out some measure of happiness whenever and wherever we can. We hope to find that in the love we feel for our boys...all four of them.

We hope everyone we know is able to find happiness and peace along their own paths.

Crafty resolutions

When in doubt...blog about crafts...

My craft table has been sitting in the barn since my uncle delivered it almost a year ago. It's a heavy heavy piece and required two men to move it. So, on Christmas Day, I roped my brother (who complains that every time he visits I make him lift heavy things) into helping my husband bring it into my undecorated/unfurnished dining room. It needs painted a better color than its current colonial blue (which I forever banished from this house with the removal of "the big blue box" that enclosed our old wood-burning fireplace and blocked off our beautiful WIDE living room door opening (we're talking about hanging french doors...I'll keep you posted))...but it has this really neat slide out table that will be fabulous for cutting fabric! But I digress...the table is in the house and just waiting to be used for something crafty. Now I just need to reassemble my sewing machine (it had to be removed from its table/cupboard so that we could move it upstairs/downstairs during the time the furniture was rearranged to make room for the Christmas tree)...and I'll be good to go. Now I just need to figure out what I want to do.

We won't discuss all the projects from last year that went un-finished...OK, so maybe we will since they are integral to what I want to get done this year. But this year I'm putting them all in one place so I can check them off as I go. It didn't work so well with the books I was supposed to read (which I'm going to carry over to this coming year). But hopefully I'll find more motivation in 2008.

~First and foremost, I want to sew up the hems on my bedroom curtains. They've been safety pinned for almost a year now. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

~Next, I want to get back to crafting for charity. I've got at least a half dozen burial gowns in the works...not to mention hats and booties. Alex, Travis, and Myles all received wonderful gifts from these sorts of efforts and I want to pay it forward, I suppose you could say.

~I want to catch up with MOM Project bracelets. I have fallen woefully behind. I have beads but will need to buy some wire soon due to the number of pending requests. Thankfully, JoAnns keeps sending me 40% off coupons.

~I MUST finish a couple of baby gifts I've got on the hooks. Can't say too much. Don't want to spoil the surprises. :o)

~I really want to finish the afghan for a friend that I've been working on since October of 2006. She's recently announced she's moving. I hope the colors will still work in her new house.

~Next, I want to find and finish the tea cozies I promised a couple of friends. Yes, I know I said it was weird and I still think it IS weird. But I have weird friends so it all balances out.

~Knit Blue a ruffle sweater.

~Find the box of supplies and at least start the crochet shrug from Secret Pal 9.

~Work on Myles' baby blanket.

~Start work on a couple of quilts and afghans. Steve got me this pattern book for Christmas and I would LOVE to do the crochet dragonfly afghan. I have tried knitting dragonfly squares but have NO talent when it comes to following a knitting pattern. I'm fine with crochet patterns, so I'm excited to have this particular one.

I still have dragonfly squares to sew up into a quilt for myself (and my aunt's quilt referenced in that post isn't done yet either [hanging head in shame]).

~As previously mentioned...SNOWFLAKES!

~FINALLY put together my mom's newest medieval faire costume. She's been so patient, waiting for the last THREE years. I've got six months. I'm starting now...

...after I nurse the screaming baby...

(Anyone want to bet how much I actually get done this year?)

Christmas recap

So...Christmas is over and it's back to the daily grind.

one sec...screaming baby...

so as I was saying (forgive me if this is a bit disjointed...I'm still feeling a bit of a Christmas food hangover)...

The presents were unwrapped and there was only one, "I already have that," (which was totally and completely Steve's fault). The food was good and plentiful. The company got along and there were no harsh words or arguments.

And my dishes are all washed! It's a Christmas miracle!

Sam says his favorite part of Christmas was him and Daddy opening his present from Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Pete. I'm trying not to take it as a personal slight...I'm sure I was still Myles' favorite part of Christmas (or at least my boobs were).

So Christmas is over and we're back to the everyday business of living. Work beckons and I'm trying very hard to pretend I don't hear. But the bill collectors keep insisting that I earn them some money.

And so begins the process of strategizing each day as though I were planning to invade a small country. Blocks of time to section off for domestic chores, "real" work, and simply paying attention to my children.

You know, I still can't get used to saying that...children...it's weird.

There have been, over the course of the past few weeks, moments where I couldn't help but feel the absence of the two small souls who left us too soon. And tonight the empty spots became gaping holes as we sat at dinner and Steve asked Sam, "Are you looking forward to when Myles can talk?"

Yes, there are empty places. Yet it has taken me HOURS to write this piece of cr@p entry. And I have to go tend to a screaming baby again...

It's more good than bad I suppose. The business keeps my mind from dwelling on those empty places.

Now if someone could do something about the dog's gas, I would be pretty happy.

No two are alike

I was a Secret Pal "angel" for someone who did not receive their gift from their Secret Pal. I hope she likes it (though it appears it has not yet arrived). I doubt she'll scour the list of Secret Pals, so I feel free to share my handmade snowflakes with you all. I loved doing them...they're fast and easy and so so pretty.



My plan was to make one snowflake a week during the year so that I would have 52 to decorate our Christmas tree with this year. These four (and another half of one) are the only ones I managed...so they made a great gift (at least, I would have loved to receive them). Maybe I'll do better with the snowflake work in 2008. (Or maybe I should just buy them from Lillian Vernon.)

Merry Christmas

Christmas Eve wish

Something for my stocking

I bought the silliest thing yesterday. I couldn't help myself. I figure I can count it as a stocking stuffer for myself this Christmas. And anyway, this is going to be my last chance to indulge in this stuff...so I feel completely justified (hehehe...I can talk myself into anything, can't I?)

It's called a pacifier pod (by JJ Cole) and it's a teeny tiny bag that you can attach to the handle of your diaper bag or whatever to carry your baby's pacifier in. No longer will I have to pick lint and hair off of Myles' pacifier when we're out and about! Yay! (And it's cute and stylish too!)

Happy Due Date, Baby Myles

We're so glad you're here.

We love you.

Welcome to the world Baby Mariam!

Congratulations to Lorem Ipsum...a blogger friend from way back (former blog author of Life is Sweet, Baby).

Baby Mariam arrived this morning (12/21) at 255 am. She weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz., measures 19.5" long, and looks like Daddy's clone except for a ton of dark brown hair and being female, of course. Mom and Dad are over the moon.

I'm so happy for you all!

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I was going to do all online ordering for Christmas. I didn't manage and am now empty-handed for a couple of people. ack!
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I am addicted to playing Scrabble on Facebook even though I'm not very good at it. Hey, you try figuring out a way to get a triple word score on two hours of sleep!
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I chuckled at this over at The Meming of Life.

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Thursday morning I changed the channel from President Bush to the Wiggles. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere...I'm just too tired and brain-fried to figure out what it is.
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I did NOT give the kindergarten teacher a lump of coal for Christmas. Sam used his crafting skills to make her a snowman and I used my baking skills to make her some oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. After our last minute basket assembly the night before the party, I forgot to get a picture of the final product. They say it's the thought that counts...and this kid definitely thinks the world of his teacher and put a lot of love into the effort. She better appreciate that...or else.

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I did ask the pediatrician about "adjusting" percentiles for Myles' prematurity. She said that because he was large for gestational age (as well as so close to term), they don't really make any adjustments. Since his due date is the 22nd and he weighs 8lbs 11ozs now, I still adjust in my head...and the pediatrician can't stop me.
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I am currently reviewing a zoning text for a township planning to institute zoning regulations. I read in the newspaper the other day that due to some threatening telephone calls made to public officials, there will be security at the meetings to discuss said resolution. Few things shock me anymore...but this really shocks me. People are getting their panties in a twist over zoning regulations that will protect their rural way of life (not to mention their property values)? How bizarre.
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I find myself increasingly moody as the holiday approaches.
I haven't made it out to the cemetery to place the boys' wreath yet.
The stockings are not hung on the mantle yet.
My husband is making a joke out of not having done any Christmas shopping for me (and I KNOW it's not about the gifts...it's the thought that counts. But if he thinks it's funny that he hasn't done any shopping for me, the thought...well...that stings a little. And I haven't forgotten that I didn't get flowers after delivering Myles, so I guess it stings a little extra.).
Laundry and dishes keep piling up.
Work wants me to put in hours that I simply don't have in me.
I will not be able to attend the Christmas party at work this afternoon because I have both boys here at home.
There are projects around this house that I had hoped to get completed sometime during the last year...still not done.

I AM happy overall. Peaceful about life. It's just...I don't know...

Maybe it's PMS.
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Steve and I are now the perfect American family with 2.8 kids.

Yes, I know it's sick. But it's still funny.
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And because no post is complete without a gratuitous cute kids pic...

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ahhhhhhhhh...my husband just arrived and took Samuel out to pick up dinner (that someone else is preparing). Golden silence. It is indescribable.

It has obviously been a very long time since I was five years old.
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One month

One month.

I cannot even process the fact that life was different just one month ago...

...so very different.

I see pictures of myself pregnant...pictures in the hospital as we waited for the operating room on that day...and it seems as if it happened to someone else. I KNOW it happened to me...to us. But there is something in me that has compartmentalized all of that somewhere where I just can't feel it.

It makes me a little sad to not be able to look back with fondness...to not be able to say I so loved that part of my life. But the fact is I didn't. I hated it. And I only did it so I could get here...to this part of my life that has been waiting for me for over two years.

Two years...

Yesterday afternoon I pulled my minivan through the drive-through at Hardees with two boys strapped into their respective carseats. This was the dream so long ago.

I remembered sitting in the car dealership with my pregnant belly protruding out from under my winter coat...trading in the little car for the spacious minivan that would carry two different boys around. I remembered smiling as we talked about family with the salesman. That smile has been gone for so long. But yesterday I TRULY felt it return. I'm sure the drivethru workers thought I was crazy smiling so much as I accepted my cheeseburger and sprite.

It's been a lovely month. I won't lie and say it hasn't brought some challenges. But I'll take this life over my life of just one month ago...no question.

And I'll take it with a smile on my face.

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8lbs 11ozs (25th percentile)
21 3/4 inches (50th percentile)

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***announcements by Sherry at Heartstrings Announcements.

Poor child

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Me: Your brother is a baby and he cries less than you do.

Sam: That's because when he cries, you feed him. When I cry, you tell me to stop crying.

OK...so you got me there...
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Sam: There's some horrible creature in the pantry closet.

Me: Like what, a mouse?

Sam: NO...Daddy says there is a horrible creature in there...not a mouse.

Horrible creature in the pantry closet=excellent place to hide Christmas presents (and years worth of therapy)
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R: Do you like school so far?

Sam: I HATE school!

R: What do you hate about it?

Sam: Homework!

Kindergarten homework...it only gets worse from here kid.
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Thank you!

Thank you Stephanie. It is so cute that we have a rule it is never to be used.

Thank you Rosemary and family for the adorable outfits.

Thank you Judy and family for the lovely gifts (Sam was especially pleased...thank you for including him).

Thank you to the MOM Project for the ornament. It it like this one, but says, "Our precious angel, You will live in our hearts forever" (it's already on our tree). I love you ladies and I'll be getting busy on bracelets again here very soon...I promise. :o)


I know it seems like I do a lot of these thank you posts and I apologize for the boredom factor they must bring to this blog. But I want to thank everyone properly and I'm balancing the mom thing with some work hours here at home...or at least TRYING to balance the two. I promise something of more substance soon. Now I'm off to review the proposed zoning resolution for one of my clients. I'd rather be making Christmas cookies.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Congratulations to Beruriah on the safe arrival of baby Samuel Nadav!
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What does it mean when my five-year-old son has functionality problems with his imaginary computer?
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If I have to watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown" one more time, I might just lose my mind. I think it might be time for the DVR to have a little accident.

"I don't know what happened, Sam, it must have been deleted by mistake."
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It is impossible for me to maintain any respect for someone who puts "Meet Joe Black" on their list of all-time favorite movies.
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Steve suggested I keep my maternity clothes until the spring...because "you never know."

So now I think about it. I think about how I would feel to try to have another baby. I think about how I would feel to NOT try to have another baby. I'm not getting any younger and there is no time to waste. I would love to have more children. I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling sad that I let fear and doubt rob me of that...that I let fear and doubt make my decisions for me. But at the same time, why push my luck? What we have is beautiful and wonderful and fabulous.

I guess crazy isn't crazy enough for Steve...in our house AND in my head. Too bad he's got to deal with the stuff in my head first.
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I found out I was assigned to help with my son's holiday party when another mother called me to see what role I would prefer to play (party supplies, room attendant, etc). I LOVE the non-existent communication from this school. grrr!

And since the teacher KNOWS I've had the baby, WHY did she assign me to this party? Why not hold onto my name for the Valentine's party? If I were a more suspicious person, I might think she did it deliberately to see if she could set me up for failure.
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Is it ok to just send a gift with a note that says, "Thinking of you," and nothing else? Or is it better to explain the thought? They say it's the thought that counts...but what if they don't "get" the thought?

Lately, all my gifts seem to go with lengthy explanations...disclaimers of sorts. I guess, having been down the road I've been down, I want the person receiving the gift to know EXACTLY what I'm thinking when I send it...so I don't unintentionally hurt their feelings in any way. But then I feel like a dork. I mean...shut up already...it's just a Christmas ornament.
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Here's a confession for you...
I'm not particularly good at this mom of two thing. In fact, if my five-year-old son's current loud muttering behind the closed door of his bedroom is any indication, I pretty much suck at it. Or maybe it's just that I suck at being the mommy to a five-year-old. I actually told him that if he wants to go back to daycare instead of spending the day with my and Myles I would be ok with that. I SO would NOT be ok with that...but it came out before I could stop it.

And what did he do to inspire such a loving comment from mommy dearest? He refused to play Scrabble with me after he had pestered me for three days to play it. He saw all the tiles and, looking back at it now, was quite intimidated by the game. I tried to convince him it would be fun to learn new things...to learn a new game to play...and he scrunched up his face in a pout, walked to the other side of the living room, and planted his face in the couch cushions, muttering, "I don't want to play this game...it's too hard."

It IS a hard game and I recognize that. And I tried to take it to his five-year-old level and make it fun for us both. It was his complete unwillingness to even TRY that sent me right over the edge. He has this mental block when it comes to new things...he's "not good at this" or "he doesn't know how to do that." I have never met a person more stubborn to try something new. I mean, it's just a game of Scrabble!

So I sent him to his room. And when he slammed the door and locked it, I marched upstairs, forced the door open (he should have seen the shock on his face), spanked him once on the bottom for slamming the door, told him to leave it unlocked (which he's been told before), and told him he could come out of his room as soon as it was clean. Yeah, that's me...adding insult to injury.

And of course, now Sam will NEVER want to play a freaking game of Scrabble, thanks to me.

Yeah...like I should even CONSIDER having another baby. I can't even deal with the two I've got.

(He just came down here, while I was typing this, to whine that he needed help cleaning his room. Well buddy, I need help with the dishes and the laundry. I'll tell you what...you do those and I'll clean your room. OK? GAH! I need a drink!)
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Best Meteor Shower of 2007 Peaks Dec. 13

Generally speaking, depending on your location, Gemini begins to come up above the east-northeast horizon right around the time evening twilight is coming to an end. So you might catch sight of a few early Geminids as soon as the sky gets dark....

The Geminids begin to appear noticeably more numerous in the hours after 10 p.m. local time, because the shower's radiant is already fairly high in the eastern sky by then. The best views, however, come around 2 a.m., when their radiant point will be passing very nearly overhead.

We're supposed to have crappy weather, so I'm guessing I won't get to see anything...darn it.

38w 4d

Thank you!

Thank you Marcia for sending this very cool shirt for Sam and matching onesie for Myles.


Thank you Denise. I love these booties so much! I can't wait to take Myles somewhere while he's wearing them.

Bouncing baby boy...and mommy too

So yesterday I decided to mix things up a little bit and do a triple-axle complete with ten-point landing on my ass. And I was carrying the baby in the infant carrier at the time. If I hadn't been so scared, I would have probably laughed at how comical I looked.

I just took one step out my kitchen door, hit some slimy green goo, and the next thing I know I was looking up at the treetops. I turned my head and literally retched when I saw the carrier laying on its side. But when I righted the seat and pulled back the blanket covering my sweet boy, he was still sitting there snoozing and sucking away on his binky (poor kid got REALLY mad when I did the mandatory freaked out mommy appendage check). Myles is fine. I, however, called Steve to come home early from work so I could take some Motrin, retreat to my bed, and have a good long cry.

The upside is that I can now personally attest to the crash test safety rating of the Graco Snugride infant carrier (with EPS foam). Strapped in like a little astronaut, surrounded by a fluffy blanket to keep his head from flopping side to side under normal conditions, with his bulky crocheted winter hat on his head, I'm not sure Myles felt anything at all (not that it's a test I recommend anyone trying at home or anything).

Near as I can figure with my finely honed crime scene investigation skills, I didn't actually drop the carrier on its side. The skid marks in the green goo on the wood tell me that it was like I just set it down (hard) and then slid it to the left about a foot until it tipped (because my hand was still on the handle and upset the balance).

Pass the bad mommy award this way.

When Sam was about six weeks old, I let him roll off the sofa onto the carpeted floor. I thought that was bad. This was worse.

Luckily, everyone is fine. I turned my previously broken ankle enough to make it tender and I am sitting down slowly and carefully today due to a giant purple bruise on my ass. You should SEE it (but you won't because I like you too much to subject you to pictures of that...every blogger has their limits).

Now I'm off to buy an outdoor carpet for the deck. If anything can be said about me, it is that I learn lessons the first time.

Email to make you chuckle

I hope my mom doesn't mind me sharing this...but it seriously had me laughing so hard I almost wet my pants.

I have packed away my Nativity Scene - and lost it. So somewhere in this house The Virgin Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, three wise men, three camels, a cow, a shepherd, a mule, and some lambs are residing in safety and anonimity. Damn! Sigh. Life is hard when you change your patterns!!!

Well, gotta go look for the Holy Group.

Should I tell her to follow the Star of Bethlehem?

On the 10th day of Christmas

I couldn't help myself. I have Christmas on the brain. Decorations and presents and food and my family. It's different this year. The psychologists call it integration...making peace with the way life is and creating rituals to incorporate the bad things in a positive way. Yeah. Whatever. If it means shopping, I'm there. So I dropped Sam off at school last Thursday morning and took a sleeping Myles to do some Christmas shopping. He slept and I spent way too much money. It was great!

I bought Sam a t-shirt that says, "My brother is the naughty one." I hope he likes it. (It's sure to make a better memory than the, "I'm gonna be a big brother" t-shirt of a couple years ago.)

I bought Myles a couple little rattles for his stocking (what do you think of those little slipper rattles? torture? or fun for baby?). I don't plan to wrap any gifts for him under the tree this year...unless I think of a good one (have I mentioned I love to shop?).

I bought a wreath for the cemetery. Now I just have to decorate it and get it out there. I haven't been so good about getting up there lately. I've got a lot of feelings on that subject, but I'm just going to avoid them for now.

I found some unopened boxes of Christmas/Holiday cards in our desk that I could send out (which sounds like so much work). But thanks to Sherry, I have THE BEST birth announcements (who wants one?) that I can't wait to send. Would it be lame to skip the Christmas cards completely this year?

Now I have a few more presents to buy and I'll be done, done, done. Thank heaven for online ordering. Let's see...still left to shop for...mom, dad, brother, Steve. Wait a minute! What am I doing feeling relaxed? I should be freaking out right about now!

We decorated the front of our house a bit this year at Sam's insistence. I think it needs more. Steve thinks enough is enough. Of course, that was before I could help. Now I'm ready to roll so I may just have to add to the display. Maybe a lighted reindeer sculpture or two?

(Yes, that is Steve striking the Captain Morgan's pose...such a lovable dork he is.)

Speaking of the lovable dork...I have NO idea what to get him for Christmas. And he is being entirely unhelpful saying things like, "You've already given me the best present ever." I know it's sweet...but it's kinda annoying at the same time.

Sam shopped at his school's "Santa shop" today. The inner workings of the five-year-old mind are...in a word...interesting. I know they say it's the thought that counts. I'm just not sure what that thought was (and not sure I WANT to know). I know there will be at least one chuckle at Christmastime...so that's something to look forward to.

I was just looking through a Figis catalog and suddenly miss my grandma and her Christmas traditions.


I wasn't able to attend the Ladies of the Court Holiday party...and I will miss my office's Christmas party. But tomorrow evening I have the American Business Women's Association Chapter Christmas party. I was looking forward to it. But I just realized I do not have my gift for my secret pal...I do not have my ornament for the ornament exchange...I do not have my white elephant stuff together for the fundraiser auction. What are the holidays without stress?

Speaking of stress...what is it about Christmas that makes me want to do messy craft activities with Sam? and baking? what is with the urge to bake?

Last man standing or King of the hill?

A standoff of epic proportions is currently in progress at my house. Sam would rather do NOTHING than do his homework (due tomorrow). So there is no Playstation...no tv...no computer...no toys.

Yes, I'm trying to teach him a lesson about getting things done sooner and not waiting until the last minute. But maybe...just maybe...I've also found a sneaky way to get some peace for myself.

And he has NO IDEA.

It's days like this when I feel like I've got this mommy thing under control.

**update**
It took him until 3pm to concede defeat...and another hour to actually complete the homework. Now we're going to race Playstation Corvettes against one another. :o)

...that their light may always shine.

Thank you!

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My Aunt Pat sent these lovely gifts.


The sleeper says, "Mommy and me." It made me cry.
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My "Aunt" Phyllis (my mom's cousin), sent Sam and Myles several books. It was funny, Sam said, "Oh...great...boring old books." And then he realized they were FUN books and he could read them to Myles. Of course, he says it would be MORE fun to read them to Myles if Myles "would just keep his eyes open for two seconds."

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And my dear friend, Jenne. I cannot thank her enough for her voice of reason and (in)sanity during the last few months. She told me all I had to do was, "just show up," this year...and look where I ended up. Thank you Jenne...for feeding my Gymboree addiction AND for being there when I needed a friend. Now...we MUST get together sometime in 2008. No excuses!

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Secret Pal 11

Thank you so much to Julie for sending me an "emergency" secret pal gift since my secret pal went MIA (I haven't heard from her since October and the round ended on November 30th).

Considering I haven't blogged much about anything crafty for a while, she did amazingly well guessing my taste and sending what did, in fact, make me smile.

~Yummy, yummy yarns (cotton/silk, alpaca, and bamboo/wool/nylon)...and knitting patterns to go with! I only hope they're easy enough for this crochet junkie to make sense of.
~A GREAT penguin fleece hat that Samuel immediately claimed as his own.
~A sheep notepad, journal, address book, and notecards.
~Sheep bookplates (I'm thinking of using them on my Harry Potter collection).
~Two bars of homemade soap! Lemon and Ylang Ylang. They smell great. And I can't help but wonder if they were part of the minor eruption of November 19th? (the blogger friend grabbing the camera made me giggle...because that's what I would do). I also wonder if I could convince you to make spearmint/sage soap. I had that a few years ago and LOVED it...and now I can't find it anywhere. I could look online...but that seems iffy.
~Origami bookmark corners.
~Origami peace crane dangle earrings. This lady definitely has TALENT!


Thank you so much Julie! You are too kind to jump in and respond in an "emergency" like you did.

And I promise...now that all the emotional turmoil of the last year has past, I PROMISE to do more crafty posts.

I have made zero progress on Myles' baby blanket. But luckily he's received some fabulous gifts from family and friends to make up for my slackitude.

I am currently working on a baby sweater for a friend. She reads here, so I can't post pictures just yet. I don't want to ruin the surprise.

I had the best of intentions to get baby sweaters to a couple other blog friends...but it just didn't happen. So I'm wondering...how late is too late to send a baby gift? Could I just make them a larger size and apologize in my note to the mama?

I'm STILL working on a granny square afghan for a friend. Now I hear she may be moving. I hope she paints her new bedroom a color that goes with the green and cream I've been using for over a year...cause I ain't starting over. :o)

I think that's it for now. I promise to get back to my yarn as soon as Myles gives me more than an hour and a half of uninterrupted sleep (I've had to rewrite this post four times already to make it make sense...can you IMAGINE the stitching that would result?).

"Should I worry?"

Steve called me on Tuesday to see how the kindergarten run went with me sporting a c-section incision and carrying an infant carrier. I cheerfully told him I didn't split myself open and he didn't have to worry. He didn't appreciate the humor. I forget that he also lived through the year-long nightmare of the non-healing incision when I had Sam. I really need to work on being more sensitive with stuff like that.

So I'm going to blog something else for him (and my mother) to worry about. :o)

Do you know what I had to eat today (until Sam got home)? Two hashbrowns and two Little Debbie Nutty Bars. Yeah, I know. I really need to do better with the nutritional value in my diet...but nothing sounded good. I swear I've gone from eating everything I can get my hands on to eating...well...not much. It's really not helping my physical well-being...by 6pm I generally feel like I've been run over by a truck. Yesterday, a brief visit to WalMart brought evening leg cramps and a backache. I prefer to think it's because my body is getting used to working without the aid of the Lovenox again...but it could just be that I'm getting old (bite your tongue).

So this is what it feels like

As I'm sure you can guess, I've got issues with my body stemming from its past failures. It started with the gestational diabetes with Sam...kept up with my inability to exclusively breastfeed him...and has just been keeping me on my toes during the past two years with failure after failure. Yeah...I'm a mess.

When Myles was born, he spent two days in the NICU. He was initially admitted for breathing difficulties (he had a little transitional fluid in his lungs that resolved itself). Then he remained there for extreme weight loss. He was born at 7lbs 15ozs and left the NICU at 6lbs 12ozs (that's a loss of over 15%...or so the doctors and nurses kept telling me). Everyone was concerned and I was caught in what was clearly a battle between pro-breastfeeding personnel (lactation consultants) and pro-formula personnel (NICU nurses). The pressure was crazy and my own personal issues prevented me from exerting any clear maternal decision-making at the time.

So I nursed (and pumped to try to get my milk to come in quicker) and Myles was supplemented with small amounts of formula. It was totally fine with me. I wanted him to grow and thrive. So when my milk finally came in, but Myles wasn't gaining the way "they" liked to see, they only reluctantly let us go home...and I was instructed to keep up with the supplementing when we went home.

Well...Myles had other plans. He was NOT interested in formula AT ALL (and I can't blame him...it smells and tastes BAD). So we've been nursing exclusively...except for an occasional supplement here and there (I'm still not ready to breastfeed in the middle of small-town Walmart).

Of course, I've still had my doubts. I KNOW all the facts about wet/dirty diaper counting, paying attention to signs that he's satisfied and not dehydrated, etc, etc, etc. But I still worried...of course. And that worry was reinforced by the requirement that we submit to weight checks with our pediatrician.

So today's check brought with it a momentary reprieve from the doubts.
Birth - 7/15
Discharge - 6/12
Weight check #1 - 6/12.5
Weight check #2 - 7
Weight check #3 - 7/8

Finally, I am not a failure. And he's happy and healthy. I can't stop smiling.

Ideas please

I want to give my OB a gift to say thank you for everything he did to help bring Myles safely into this world...and for generally being a fabulous human being and going above and beyond the doctor call of duty to be so kind to us.

Suggestions?

Every Baby Has a Story

The March of Dimes is about ALL babies... those born healthy and those that need our help to survive.

This October the Story Bus hits the road - 16 cities in 4 weeks. Hop on the bus and videotape your story or add it from your own computer.

Don't just stand at the curb and wave. Be a part of this event! Because every baby has a story…

While there is no category for stillbirth, there is an "In Memory" section and I couldn't help but think of my friends, msfitzita, Darcie, Julian's Mom, Laura, Sherry, and Sarah.

Every baby has a story.

Thank you!

Thank you Mary...the pears are nice...but the chocolates are LOVELY! :o)

Thank you Michelle! You totally made Sam's day by including something for him. And I have to say, Zingo IS a fun little game.











The ornaments are absolutely beautiful.


But the sock monkey quilt is, by far, my FAVORITE. I LOVE it!

Thank you Alysse! Anytime you want to post an update on you and munchkin, I would love to read it. (hint, hint)

And thank you Cynthia! Dinner was delicious!

First day alone with two kids

I did not clean or wash anything...including myself. I did not shower.

Sam played way too much Playstation.

I played far too much Playstation.

Myles spent some awake time in his bouncy chair watching us play Playstation.

I ate far too much chocolate.

I had to use a watch alarm to remind me to feed Myles.

I did about an hour worth of work and called it quits...to play Playstation.

Tomorrow is the first school run and I'm nervous. How silly is that?

But I am looking forward to getting the Playstation all to myself. :o)

The beautiful and the gruesome

We rock gently back and forth...wrapped in the softest of blankets...skin to skin...warmth on warmth. I feel his breath on my breast and watch his face for those big smiles that hold the secrets of peaceful sleep. I put my finger in the palm of his hand and he reflexively grabs hold. So tiny...yet so strong.

In the bed next to me, my little towhead boy rolls over in his sleep with a sigh, stretching out his arms and legs in his usual starfish pattern, some appendages protruding out from under the warmth of the covers. One leg lands somewhere in the middle of Steve's torso. I hear Steve mutter something in his sleep and gently push our sleeping boy back to his middle part of the bed. It makes me quietly giggle...this game of king of the bed...last one with an inch of bed space wins.

A bitter wind is literally howling outside our windows. I can see the outline of the big tree as it is battered back and forth, bending but not breaking. I can see the slightest snowfall in the glimmer of the Christmas light decorations on the front porch below.

And I can not help but think...

I love them with a fierceness I did not know I possessed. I celebrate their lives...their love...their very being. And yet I know we are not complete and we never will be. I feel that cold wind as if I am standing naked out in it. My babies. How do I snuggle with two and visit two in a cemetery?

Alex would be two-and-a-half. Travis would be just over one year old. But they are frozen in time...frozen in death. I still feel desperation when I think of their silence. A part of US is out there in the cold and I still long to wrap them in my arms and cuddle them until they are warm. How do I resolve myself to the feeling that although my arms are currently full, they will always feel ever so slightly empty?

I do cherish every moment I have and I no longer look for reasons why. No answer will take away the hurt. Holding him in my arms does not make me miss them any less. It smooths the rough edges a bit, but it does not make me forget.

I still mourn those moments that will never be...