IRL

I was talking this weekend with some friends "from the computer" (that one's for Shanna's dad). Truth is, these particular friends...this group of women...saved my life. I don't say that to be melodramatic. I say it because it is the truth. When I felt like I couldn't take one more step, they were there with the words I needed to hear..."It WILL get better. I don't know when or how...but it WILL get better." 

During our conversation, however, I made a mistake. And today, as I was processing it all, I remembered. I remembered how I first came to know this amazing world of the blog people. 

The day I came home from the hospital, I scoured the internet and searched for an answer. Why did this happen to us? to our Baby Alex? And then I found this post. 

"Orson was born in room 15 of MacDonald Women's Hospital, Second floor. Zelda was born in 16. And Calvin in 17. A trifecta." Just a few days after Alex was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...and just four years after Calvin was stillborn in room 17 at MacDonald Women's Hospital...this stranger was welcoming a living son to the world. I greedily soaked up his words and followed the links of the people who commented on his posts. 

I fell down the rabbit hole. 

I was crazed and unkempt...and I didn't care. 

The people I encountered as a result of my rabid googling could have turned me away. But they didn't. 

And once a year, round about this time, I feel like I should thank them for that...thank YOU for everything. 

So...

Thank you to all the people who have come out of my computer and made such a difference in my life. I love you and I can never ever ever repay you for all that you have done for me.

Thank you Michelle!

Inside this lovely puzzle box was this lovely necklace (which I have hung on my rearview mirror)...

You are too kind. Thank you!

Paperback swap?

I'd like to thank Jen, who sent me several books, but I don't know which one to thank. So, whichever Jen it was...thanks so much!

Thank you Shanna!

The books and the little bugs are lovely (the googly eyes make me giggle).

Thank you so much!

Thank you!

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Thank you to everyone who helped me in my "deadbaby book quest." I have a stack of books to read through now. It's helping. To have words to read that make sense out of some of the jumble in my brain.

So thank you!
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I wasn't sure I was supposed to open this because it was pretty well sealed shut. But I had to know what was inside and I'm SO glad I was curious. It is just lovely.

Thank you Niobe!

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Thank you E! It is beautiful! (the picture doesn't do it justice)

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Thank you to every single person who sent a card or a note or an email or a good thought. Everything is going in Little Bug's memory box.
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Thank you Catherine!

The scarf is absolutely GORGEOUS (even if I did have to take a dozen different photos in order for it to not look like it's draped over a big fat blob)! Thank you SO much!


(I will post pictures of Sam and his geodes whenever we smash them open.)

Because she's awesome like that

Thanks Kathy...I love it and I love you.

Thank you Cynthia!

My dear friend Cynthia sent me this lovely "just because" care package. It made me cry it was so lovely. You see, I was up all by myself early on Saturday morning, enjoying a quiet cup of coffee, when I heard the postal carrier drop this lovely box on my side porch. When I opened it, I couldn't help but think of how I first came to know Cynthia. Out of all the awfulness that was 2005 and 2006, the beginning of our friendship stands out as a true blessing. Her kindness (then and now) is inspiring.

Coupons!

Thanks to Donna at eco*noME for the 100 coupon giveaway! I missed a couple weeks of newspapers due to being sick and now I can fill out some of the deals I've wanted! Thank you so much!

Thank you Rachel!

I love the books you sent! Thank you so much!

I still haven't sent Lucy's last gift. Sorry 'bout that. We're on the sickness-go-round again. Somebody get me off this crazy thing! Anyway...will get it out to you soon (with a little belated 30th birthday gift in there for you as well).

Thanks again!

Thank you Meg!

The lovely Meg revealed herself as my Secret Pal for the SP13 swap with this fabulous package! I can not wait to try my hand at some crocheted socks (I dare not even attempt knitted socks...can you just imagine?)!



Thank you so much Meg! You were an awesome pal and I can't thank you enough for all the delicious goodies!

Thank you Secret Pal!

I received an "incoming" message from my Secret Pal yesterday...and then a package arrived on my doorstep! And I have to say that I loved loved loved it! A copy of the Amsterdam coat I've been eyeing...with enough yarn to actually make it! I laughed and laughed at the note included, explaining why two skeins of the yarn were wound into balls (overeager two year olds and yarn...I feel for ya). The candy is missing from this picture because...well...it didn't last long enough to take a picture of (I LOVE Cadbury).
And look! My very own birthday cupcake! I love it!

Thank you Secret Pal!

A fabulous arrival on my doorstep today! Two GORGEOUS Rosewood crochet hooks, the latest issue of Interweave Crochet, a snowman mug with hot cocoa and candy canes, and a snowman tin filled with the YUMMIEST cookies (already three fewer)!Thank you so much! And Happy Holidays to you!

Thank you Shanna

In all the illness-induced chaos at our house, I forgot to thank you for sending the Obama buttons. With yours plus what we requested from MoveOn.org, we've got quite a little collection (despite the fact that Sam lost one on the first day...sigh). Thanks so much!

These remind me of a button collection my sister once had...all kinds vintage design buttons (I Like Ike...Rosie the Riveter...etc.). I wonder what happened to those...?

Thank you Secret Pal!

My Secret Pal has been revealed! Normally, this event would not yield much fanfare, but I clicked over to Kim's blog and was met with the 2008 Knitter's Hunk - Hugh Jackman. Seriously! Knitting and GORGEOUS MEN! Even before I knew who she was, I knew I liked this lady. And it has nothing to do with the fact that she sent me LOADS of really awesome stuff! Did you KNOW they make chocolate Skittles? I did not. I can't wait to break them open and (over)indulge!



Seriously, Kim, you outdid yourself this round of SP and I can't thank you enough. It was so much fun finding little treasures in my mailbox during the past few months. My mom and I already have plans to do the sock monkey baby set from the Happy Hooker book for my brother's baby. I'll post pics of my progress on Ravelry (and here, if I remember). Thanks again! (I have never seen that shape crochet hook, but I will definitely review them as soon as I get to use them...they feel good initially...we'll see if it lasts)

Thank you Secret Pal!

This lovely package arrived today just when I needed a pick-me-up. Thank you secret pal!

I'm not sure if you can tell, but the washcloth has a C pattern to it and the glasses say "ripped" and "frogged" (stitching terms)...so cute!

Thank you!

Thank you Shanna!!! Not only does Sam LOVE it, but it arrived just in time to keep him warm while we had no power!

Thank you Secret Pal!

With school and soccer starting this past week, I totally spaced and forgot to send out a thank you to my Secret Pal! She sent me a great "take care of me" package with an adorable teabag charm and caddie, a lemon slice teapot drip catcher, some yummy Dionis Sugar Hollow Spice goatmilk soap, a Hershey's lip balm and a BIG bar of actual Hershey's (which was a little soft from shipping...but once it resolidified in the fridge was immediately scarfed down). It was just lovely and I really appreciate it. You've been a supremely wonderful secret pal sending emails and virtual cards and all kinds of wonderful things in the snail mail. Thank you! I can't wait to find out who you are and read all about you on your blog!

I am thankful

Tash wrote a great entry over at Glow in the Woods and she asked

In retrospect, comparatively speaking (or perhaps not at all), are you at all, remotely, even a teeny bit thankful for anything that happened surrounding the death of your baby/-ies? And believe me, it's fine if you say "No. Not a fucking thing. Are you crazy?"

This is a subject I've been thinking about lately.

I AM thankful but I just haven't been able to say it.

The words are stuck in my throat like a big piece of soggy half-chewed bread and I just can not choke them out. I tried once or twice to no avail...ripping up multiple thank you cards...deleting more than one thank you email...nearly hyperventilating at the thought of saying thank you in person.

I can't get over the tail end of the thank you...Thank you for (insert kindness here) after my baby died.

I can't help but feel like I shouldn't HAVE TO be thankful and therefore I resent that I AM thankful. Everytime I think about being thankful to anyone, I can't help but finish it with, "But I hate it...every bit of it." It doesn't make sense outside of my head, I'm sure.

Lately, though, it has felt like now is the time to let the qualifiers go and just be thankful. So let's see what I can do here...

I am thankful for my husband for a million different reasons.

I am thankful that my pregnancies with both boys were easy (some might say perfect). I am thankful for the time I got to know and share space with them.

I am thankful for the nurses who talked with us and not AT us. They made us feel normal when this big horrible abnormal thing was happening to us. I am thankful they took the time to anticipate that we would want footprints and photographs.

I am thankful that giving birth to Alex and Travis did not require surgery. It was hard enough leaving the hospital without my babies. I do not think I could have survived if I had to recover from a c-section as well.

I am thankful for the doctor who delivered Travis and his understanding that I could not cope with milk production. I do not remember the name of the drug, but it is my opinion that it should be prescribed to every loss mama.

I am thankful for the funeral director and his assistant (whose son's name is Alex) for their kindness. I am thankful they gave me a lock of Alex's hair to keep and placed a few treasured possessions from his family with him.

I am thankful for my family who stood by me and offered me their love, knowing I wasn't capable of returning it at the time. They loved me when I was at my worst and I know my worst was pretty bad. I am thankful they remembered who I was and saw me through to who I am.

I am thankful for those who stood beside us as we buried our sweet baby boys.

I am thankful for our friends in real life and online who called or emailed or sent us snail mail. They surrounded us with love and support and kind words. We weren't nice to be around and yet they remained tenacious in their belief that we were worth it.

I am thankful for my job and my many volunteer distractions. It kept my mind from sinking into the deepest darkest pit that ever existed for me.

I am thankful for the answers as to the biologic reasons Alex and Travis died. They are scary and horrible and bring a lot of complicated guilt feelings with them. But having these answers is better than only having questions for the rest of my life.

I am thankful for a beautiful cemetery where I can go and experience peaceful moments thinking of our boys.

I am thankful Alex isn't alone.

I am thankful for my new perspective. Before this happened, I tended to think in terms of black and white...right and wrong...cause and effect. This has taught me that I don't have all the answers and I shouldn't be so quick to judge. It has softened me and made me a more empathetic human being.

I am thankful that I live in a place where this will most likely be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

I am thankful for Dr. A. and his kindness all last year while I was pregnant again.

I am thankful that this wasn't the end. I am thankful for our sweet Myles.

Thank you Secret Pal!

A lovely gift arrived in the mail yesterday from my secret pal in Tennessee (will I figure out your identity before the end of this thing?). GORGEOUS bamboo yarn from Southwest Trading Company in Sahara color. LOVE IT!

There was also this really cute little figurine of a mama turtle with a baby turtle on its back. Their heads and tails bob up and down on springs. I'd love to show it to you but Blogger is being extremely uncooperative in my effort to post a picture. You'll just have to take my word for it...it's adorable.