Friday, January 08, 2021

Last chance

For his entire life, I have given Sam "one more chance." I have helped him as much as I could to succeed. Maybe that's why he didn't believe me when I told him that if he lied to me again he would no longer be welcome in my house.

He lied...again. He had NO response...no explanation...no remorse.

He was given 30 minutes to leave my house and he left without so much as a word.

I am broken.

It's always the mother's fault, right?

Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Everything is most certainly NOT under control

I feel like it's all slipping away. The harder I try to maintain control, the worse it gets.

Quarantine #1 due to the 7th grade basketball team.

My mother is aging and slipping into her own world where we cannot reach her.

My "adult" son failed out of his first semester at college.

There's a global pandemic and my social 13-year-old son isn't handling isolation well.

My job is in jeopardy because I don't have the right political affiliation.

My husband is a saint who takes care of so much...and yet I can't stop finding fault (only a very small portion of which is actually deserved).

Quarantine #2 due to 18-year-old's poor decision making skills.

Christmas is postponed for, at best, 14 days. At worst...forever.

That feeling of death stalking me is back. The fear is back.

I'd like to say I'm at peace no matter what happens. But that would be a lie. 

If something bad happens to my family (again) I don't know what I will do. 

The worst feeling is that I could've tried harder...done better...been kinder...seen more...worried less...

Thursday, November 12, 2020

COVID emotions

Myles has been asked by the Middle School to quarantine due to possible covid exposure from an adult at his school. He will be in quarantine through his 13th birthday next Friday. By extension, I will be in quarantine because that's the safest thing to do. I can't help but feel all the feelings...

~I want to rant. Wear the damn mask. It doesn't take anything from you and it's such a small ask.
~I want to thank the contact who DID wear a mask. If we don't get sick it will be because s/he wore a mask and followed health protocols. I hope s/he has mild symptoms and recovers quickly.
~I want to cry because Sam can't come home from college for the weekend and Myles will miss his first basketball games (and any sort of birthday celebration). It's nothing in the grand scheme...I know...so many have lost so much...it all makes me so sad.
~I want to acknowledge my privilege. I currently have a job that allows me the flexibility to work from home so that I can do my part to stop this damn pandemic. (Thanks
Cecilia
) I also have resources and friends I can call on to help with the things that need done as the world keeps moving without us for two weeks.
~This isn't the worst thing to ever happen to me...so I want to recognize that with a grateful heart.
~I want to draft my will...because there is that fear.
~I want to talk about veterans...and how our society doesn't take care of them...and how shameful that is. See Faces of Covid on Twitter for profiles of veterans who've been lost to the pandemic. See
Stop Soldier Suicide
and
National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
on Facebook. It's nice...the photos and the "thank you's"...but we can and should do better.
Living through a pandemic is an emotional roller coaster, that is for sure. Thanks for listening. I'll try to keep the belly-aching to a minimum this next week or so. [Posted on Facebook on Veteran's Day 2020]
Blog add:
~I want to complain about the election in which an incredibly qualified attorney did not get enough votes to retain her seat. I want to scream about how the person who did get the votes called and expected that she would be trained by the current officeholder...BECAUSE SHE IS UNQUALIFIED FOR THE JOB! But I can't, because friends of friends...you know how that goes...the grapevine in a rural community is a nasty mess. And I need my job for the time being.
~I want to talk about being 48 years old and not wanting my career anymore. About being disillusioned with public service and my fellow public servants. I want to dream about possibilities that are far away from here...that make me smile instead of giving me migraine headaches.
~I want to talk about how it feels to have death constantly stalking you. Waiting for you to forget a mask or miss a streetlight or eat chicken that isn't fully cooked. I'm exhausted. A teeny tiny virus/bacteria/germ killed my babies. I know the power of a teeny tiny virus. I keep trying to avoid the thoughts...but they always find me. Paranoia. Fear. Grief. Sadness. They won't leave me alone!
~I want to collapse somewhere and have someone take care of me without having to worry that they are just covering their insecurities too...knowing that they can handle it...and it WILL be ok.

Tuesday, August 25, 2020

Healthy and happy

"I just want my kids to be healthy and happy."

And then your teenage tells you he want to be an engineer who designs weapons.

You spend countless hours sifting through your memories and wondering where the missteps were.

Suddenly you realize that you've been lying all this time.

You don't want him to be happy if his idea of happiness will bring more pain into this world.

You have to admit that you really just want him to be someone you can be proud of.

You have to recognize your failure...because he doesn't give a shit about making you proud.

So you're a failure and a fraud.

Tuesday, July 07, 2020

Who am I? How did I get here?

When I was a kid, I collected unicorn collectibles.

I have no real idea why.

I think it started when someone gave me one as a gift and I said I loved it...to be polite.

Two days ago my mom (currently in rehab following foot surgery) told me she was feeling sick...and my mind immediately went to a very dark place (thank you coronavirus).

Yesterday I had to tell my 12-year-old that a sleepover with three of his friends wasn't worth the coronavirus exposure risk and he has to stay home.

Today I have to consider whether to take legal action to stop a local festival from creating a coronovirus exposure risk for the public by opening this weekend.

Tomorrow I get to watch my 18-year-old asthmatic son don a surgical mask and head off to his minimum wage job at Dollar Tree...where he will undoubtedly be verbally abused by strangers...and potentially exposed to coronavirus.

Later this summer we get to discuss whether on-campus college life is worth the coronavirus exposure risk.

Nothing makes sense anymore...and I'm tired of being polite.

I've always really hated unicorns.

Wear a mask if you must go out.

But better yet...

DON'T GO OUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE TO!


Monday, July 06, 2020

War weary

I remember when I stumbled upon my grandfather's war photo collection.

I remember him waking up screaming.

I remember him pacing the floors of their old house because he couldn't sleep.

I remember sitting on the sofa in the common area on the first floor of Darrow Hall at BGSU and watching Operation Desert Storm begin on the television.

I remember sitting in the court administrator's office on 9/11 watching the second tower fall on a tiny black and white television.

I remember the meeting to determine to close the Home and Garden show in our county in the earliest days of the coronavirus pandemic in Ohio.

I remember working from home while my children's school was closed for months.

I remember answering impossible questions like, "Do we allow the COVID positive patient back in the nursing home? If not, where does he go?"

But all of these things are not equal in my mind.

Framing the coronavirus pandemic using war terms makes me very uneasy.
  • Platooning
  • Frontline
  • Invaded
  • Fight/Battle/War
  • Hero/Enemy
These words simply aren't appropriate for what we're facing. Not every scary challenge requires militarization. It serves no purpose but to create conflict where there is none.

I was in the room that first week...

  • Were we overreacting?
  • Were we underreacting?
  • How does this virus spread?
  • How lethal is it?
  • What should we do?

I can tell you that there was no use of force that would fix it. No military...no political party...no God...had the answers. It was just a group of average people who wanted to do something to help the people in our communities.

It still is.

I wonder what my grandpa would think.

I am damn sure he wouldn't make a stupid war analogy.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Assistant Prosecutor, Civil Division

For 16 years and five months my job was generally the least exciting job of anyone in my office. Sure, there were occasional moments of great satisfaction that made it worth the seemingly endless string of nonsense "legal questions" I was expected to answer. The time I played a part in assisting the elderly woman who was trapped alone in her bed while her "guardian" checked on her twice a day...the time I played a part in rehabilitating the neighborhood so that raw sewage no longer flowed into the creek...the time I assisted the township to build a new garage and town hall...and a few others...

But normally the bulk of my job has consisted of administrative enforcement of regulations that a lot of people don't understand the need for (unless/until they need it to protect their own interests)...and answering questions about how local government is to operate. Who buries the indigent? can a township transfer money from one fund to another? is this or that subject to open meetings/public records laws? can a township sell excavated ditch dirt for profit? It is, most definitely, not headline grabbing material.

And then came the COVID-19 global pandemic. GLOBAL. The problems affecting us are affecting everyone. And people look to me for answers. ME! hahahahahaha! (ok...sorry for that mini breakdown there)

Public health regulations aren't new...and they affect just about every aspect of your life without you usually noticing. Your neighbor can't dump his/her sewage onto your property. Why? Public health regulation. Your water company has to provide you with potable water. Why? Public health regulation. The guy making your cheeseburger has to wear a hair net over his hair and/or beard. Why? Public health regulation. The guy giving you a tattoo has to use clean needles. Why? Yep...you guessed it...public health regulation.

And public health orders during times of contagious illness outbreak? Yeah...those have been in our laws for decades (centuries in some regards). In Ohio, the authority is found in Title 37 of the Revised Code. Chapters 3707 and 3709 are like old friends at this point. These are mechanisms by which public health identifies and corrects threats to the general population. At the risk of delivering a lecture on the appropriate uses of governmental authority, let's just say that the control of infectious disease is considered a legitimate public interest.

90,000 Americans are dead. 26 of them from my county.

And people don't seem to care.

I'm at a loss how to keep doing my job after this.

What's the point?

If people die and nobody cares...the rest seems like a waste of time.

Welcome to my mid-life crisis.

Last chance

For his entire life, I have given Sam "one more chance." I have helped him as much as I could to succeed. Maybe that's why he ...