Just an underachieving Gen X blogger with stories to tell

My children have baby books that have only a handful of entries. I haven't written them letters every year on their birthday like I planned. I don't know why that's relevant, but it feels like it is.

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I tried a handwritten journal. I made it through half the year. My purple pen ran out of ink and that was my excuse to stop.

I picked up a gratitude journal this year and have been doing pretty good remembering to fill it in. I used a blue pen so I wouldn't have an excuse to stop.

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Before instagram and twitter and tik tok and clicks and likes and monetization, I started this blog as a means to talk about the fun in my life. Then life took me down a very dark and twisty road and this blog became a sort of therapy...allowing me to type out all the dark and twisty thoughts...giving them a place to go so they wouldn't rattle around in my brain and steal my joy completely. But then Lisa died. And Jill died. And friends drifted away for a variety of reasons. And I just couldn't continue here. 

Through the years, I keep coming back here randomly. But then something stops me from posting. This isn't the place for clicks and likes and monetization. And it feels almost dishonorable to take this place back to the everyday nonsense. I'm fairly certain I have no fan base clamoring for me to add my voice to the internet cacophony. 

But I feel like this is my story. And I don't want someone who stumbles on this place to think the dark and twisty place was the end. It's true I've written posts here while sobbing. It's also true I've written posts while laughing hysterically. More importantly, I've felt a special kind of peaceful magic when I connect with kind people here. 

I won't try to tell you that time heals all wounds. I won't have words of wisdom or direction for anyone. I myself marvel at how I've made it to 49 years old...with two amazing living children...and a husband who still puts up with my brand of crazy. 

There are so many stories to share. And I feel like I might want to share them. 

So maybe it's time to reclaim this place...

No clicks...no likes...no monetization.

Just me.

Everything is most certainly NOT under control

I feel like it's all slipping away. The harder I try to maintain control, the worse it gets.

Quarantine #1 due to the 7th grade basketball team.

My mother is aging and slipping into her own world where we cannot reach her.

My "adult" son failed out of his first semester at college.

There's a global pandemic and my social 13-year-old son isn't handling isolation well.

My job is in jeopardy because I don't have the right political affiliation.

My husband is a saint who takes care of so much...and yet I can't stop finding fault (only a very small portion of which is actually deserved).

Quarantine #2 due to 18-year-old's poor decision making skills.

Christmas is postponed for, at best, 14 days. At worst...forever.

That feeling of death stalking me is back. The fear is back.

I'd like to say I'm at peace no matter what happens. But that would be a lie. 

If something bad happens to my family (again) I don't know what I will do. 

The worst feeling is that I could've tried harder...done better...been kinder...seen more...worried less...

COVID emotions

Myles has been asked by the Middle School to quarantine due to possible covid exposure from an adult at his school. He will be in quarantine through his 13th birthday next Friday. By extension, I will be in quarantine because that\"s the safest thing to do. I can\"t help but feel all the feelings...

~I want to rant. Wear the damn mask. It doesn\"t take anything from you and it\"s such a small ask.

~I want to thank the contact who DID wear a mask. If we don\"t get sick it will be because s/he wore a mask and followed health protocols. I hope s/he has mild symptoms and recovers quickly.

~I want to cry because Sam can\"t come home from college for the weekend and Myles will miss his first basketball games (and any sort of birthday celebration). It\"s nothing in the grand scheme...I know...so many have lost so much...it all makes me so sad.

~I want to acknowledge my privilege. I currently have a job that allows me the flexibility to work from home so that I can do my part to stop this damn pandemic. (Thanks

Cecilia

) I also have resources and friends I can call on to help with the things that need done as the world keeps moving without us for two weeks.

~This isn\"t the worst thing to ever happen to me...so I want to recognize that with a grateful heart.

~I want to draft my will...because there is that fear.

~I want to talk about veterans...and how our society doesn\"t take care of them...and how shameful that is. See Faces of Covid on Twitter for profiles of veterans who\"ve been lost to the pandemic. See

Stop Soldier Suicide

and

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans

on Facebook. It\"s nice...the photos and the "thank you\"s"...but we can and should do better.

Living through a pandemic is an emotional roller coaster, that is for sure. Thanks for listening. I\"ll try to keep the belly-aching to a minimum this next week or so. [Posted on Facebook on Veteran\"s Day 2020]

Blog add:

~I want to complain about the election in which an incredibly qualified attorney did not get enough votes to retain her seat. I want to scream about how the person who did get the votes called and expected that she would be trained by the current officeholder! But I can\"t, because friends of friends...you know how that goes...the grapevine in a rural community is a nasty mess. And I need my job for the time being.

~I want to talk about being 48 years old and not wanting my career anymore. About being disillusioned with public service and my fellow public servants. I want to dream about possibilities that are far away from here...that make me smile instead of giving me migraine headaches.

~I want to talk about how it feels to have death constantly stalking you. Waiting for you to forget a mask or miss a streetlight or eat chicken that isn\"t fully cooked. I\"m exhausted. A teeny tiny virus/bacteria/germ killed my babies. I know the power of a teeny tiny virus. I keep trying to avoid the thoughts...but they always find me. Paranoia. Fear. Grief. Sadness. They won\"t leave me alone!

~I want to collapse somewhere and have someone take care of me without having to worry that they are just covering their insecurities too...knowing that they can handle it...and it WILL be ok.

Miscellaneous thoughts

It's been a while...but it's time for a Friday miscellaneous thoughts!
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Myles lost a front tooth...I don't remember when...but it seems like it's taking a much longer time than it should to grow in an adult tooth. I'm obsessing over this tooth. I've searched photos from the last year to try to pinpoint when it fell out...to decide when I should be worried enough to take him to the dentist (for what, I'm certain, will be some horribly painful procedure to install a fake tooth). Yeah. So...I'm a bit mental.
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I'm realizing that I am not who I want to be. The personality traits that I have despised for many years are popping up in my own personality...but I'm too tired (all.the.time) to do a dang thing about it. Or maybe that's an excuse. Whatever. I just need to find "happy" and "nice" again...somewhere.
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I have two dogs I don't want. I love them as much as I can...but I never wanted them. I took them as fosters and then my relationship with the animal welfare organization fell apart and the dogs just sort of stayed with me. They are sweet dogs. There's no reason not to want them. Except I don't want them...and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.
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Our bankruptcy was discharged in December. Now we need to save our pennies and buy a new (to us) car. I don't really like being an adult.
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Today's lunch is pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, and Fritoes (is that suppose to be spelled with an e? or no? is it like potatoes/potatos? Either way...real healthy.).
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Speaking of healthy...I have a fitbit. I've had it since July and it hasn't motivated me all that much. I'm thinking they should include some sort of electric shocker in it to make lazy asses like mine move as intended.
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It's time to change the photos that adorn my office walls. I've done local "landmarks" in black and white...and flowers/nature in color...what should I do next? It's winter here...so there's not a lot of choices. I'm going to have to find some inspiration. Pinterest, here I come!
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Miscellaneous thoughts

Yep...I'm bringing back miscellaneous thoughts as my weekly post. At the very least, it should inspire me to write SOMETHING.
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We fostered two shepherd mix puppies over the holidays. It was a lot of work, but a lot of fun too. Now that they've both gone to adoptive homes the place has returned to its normal level of crazy...which seems kinda quiet (as I type this I have to take a break to shout downstairs, "NO SMACKING!").
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Click THIS for a freaking brilliant idea!
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A friend from high school updated his Facebook status to say, "SO...How do you tell your six year old that her favorite horse is gone?" I didn't answer. That's progress, right? Incorporating my experiences while maintaining some understanding of what is appropriate to say and what is appropriate to only think? Yay me!
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This is not a food blog...nor is it a gluten free blog...but this...this is so wonderful I had to blog about it. It's a little lumpy-bumpy, but it is DELICIOUS! I can not wait to make a sandwich for lunch tomorrow!

I am committed to eating gluten free. I have discovered that regular bread causes me a LOT of intestinal upset...generally 12 hours after I eat it. And now that I've found the joy of homemade gluten free bread...I am SO happy! Now I just need to learn how to use unmixed flours (save a little money).

I have to send thanks out to my sister and her husband for gifting me the bread machine for Christmas. I LOVE it!
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I got this fancy new laptop from work. It's great...does everything I want it to do and none of the stuff it's supposed to do. Who says government work doesn't pay?
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Started writing this on Monday after the last puppy left. By Friday he was back. We took him to the shelter tonight (Saturday) so that he will get seen by more people. I'm kind of glad...I had a feeling the adoption wasn't "a good fit" when I dropped him off...but I disregarded it because I thought I was just being too picky (guess not). Hopefully he'll find the perfect home now.
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Oh...and that bread I made (also on Monday)...the dogs thought it was YUMMY. So much so that they stole the LOAF off my counter while I was walking the puppy. They left me ONE piece. It was good...very very good...so I will definitely have to make more (and guard it better).
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So this was boring. I need something interesting to write about if this blog has any hopes of surviving.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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So what WAS that horrible self-indulgent whine-fest about the other day?!?! I still have moments, in case you couldn't tell.
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I hurt by shoulder/back/neck somehow, though I don't recall how, and took some percocet to help (after three days of no sleep...I NEEDED to do something). Well, let me tell you, that was the WORST sensory memory EVER and I will NEVER do it again. I will be leaving the heavy-duty drugs to the hospital from this point forward...so as not to mess my head up too much.
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I want to photograph a wedding but am having a hard time asking people if I can crash their special day in order to build my portfolio. I asked an acquaintence/friend if I could photographer her newborn and felt like a complete freak doing so. I can't wait until things turn around and people ask ME (here's hoping, anyway).
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I was HAPPY that the scale was under 220. There is something very wrong with that.
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I wanted to sew instead of taking my son to a birthday party. But I sucked it up and it was a nice time for everyone.
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We have a new foster dog that has clearly been beaten before. He doesn't understand that things are different now. He is so very sad and it breaks my heart. I really want five minutes alone with the ass that did this to him.
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Blah. Committee work. Need I say more?
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The eight-year-old has turned into a tattletale whiner and the two-year-old has turned into a screamer. Remind me that it's just a phase please.
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I finally went through the big pile of papers my son brought home on the last day of second grade. In it I found a couple writing assignments that literally made me cry.

"Dear Mom, I never really liked my life. Did you know that I want to run away sometimes?"

Yeah. Parent-of-the-year here.
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The MOM Project has "slowed down" due to lack of funds and lack of volunteers. But I still have beads and I'm still making bracelets (especially for loss moms). So if you hear of someone who "needs" a bracelet, please just let me know.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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I don't do hand-holding very well in my professional life. Come to think of it, I don't really do it all that well in my personal life either. I should work on that.
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The solution to "days like these?" Get drunk and pass out in bed while your husband strokes your hair and laughs at you because you've asked him if he's petting you.
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I stumbled a little bit this week and fell into the woe-is-me pit. I think it was a combination of last weekend's conversation with Dr. A and returning to work after four glorious days off with my little family.

Calling and making a consultation appointment with Dr. M was kind of a Holy-sh!t-we're-actually-going-to-do-this moment. It's one thing to talk about it in the abstract and then spend the day at the zoo with my amazing family. It's another entirely to really think of returning to that place again...having to explain to the receptionist WHY I am scheduling a consult with Dr. M...hearing that catch in her voice and the quiet "I'm so sorry"...all those practical real-life things that will come with this. They say the first step is the hardest, but I have a feeling they are full of crap.
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My arms are itchy! I'm sure I've complained of weird hives on this blog before. I've looked in my archives and find a couple of springtime references to itchy episodes. I have, in the past, thought it was an allergic reaction to sunscreen...but now I'm not so sure. I have Dr. Googled myself into Polymorphous Light Eruption. It's funny, because now that I think about it, my throat and the front/back of my body just below my neck will get itchy if exposed to the sun too.

I know...but at least I'm not Googling "recurrent intrauterine fetal demise" anymore.
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I want to play with my camera but I seem to have no time anymore. It's making me cranky. I took it to the zoo but really only snapped of snapshots (which, yes, I will most likely share with you later). I really need to carve out some time to just focus (ha! see what I did there? FOCUS...camera...hilarious stuff, I tell ya!).

Here ya go...just a couple...








































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I am back in the saddle as far as my APL volunteer work. The break was needed, for sure, and there are still some awkward moments with "people who don't know yet." But for the most part it's been really nice to be surrounded by people who care about me but have a similar focus...that is NOT me.

Work is a little tougher. Too many babies and baby-oriented women. But my office door is open more than it's closed these days. So that's progress.
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Speaking of APL stuff...why is it that cats don't get the same sympathy as dogs? They're still cute and fuzzy little living creatures. We should all do something to try to take care of them. Why is it people think they can just dump these guys on our doorstep and not give them a second thought? I'm "a dog person," but I still feel bad for them and want to do whatever I can to make sure they survive. Gosh...what has happened to humanity? empathy? compassion? (Do I sound like an 80-year-old here?)
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A few years ago we spent too much money on a television. It broke in 2009 and there was much drama that resulted in a new less-expensive TV and a $300 store credit. The successful completion of second grade brought the urge to celebrate. So we are seeing what all the hoopla is about surrounding the Wii. If the head explosion from excitement in the store was any indication, we're going to enjoy this thing. I'll keep you posted.
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Why, oh why, did I drink a large cinnamon dolce latte at 7pm?!?!
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No miscellaneous thoughts

There are no miscellaneous thoughts today because I spent the day at the zoo with my little family, including my parents. It was perfect weather and we had an amazing time. We saw giraffes and swans and monkeys and bears and lions and fish and dinosaurs...with Sam reading educational signs to us and Myles repeating the animal identifier over and over and over until the next animal. Sam posed for his picture on the "birthday turtle" statue that is actually a tortoise statue. Myles was deathly afraid of the dinosaurs. Sam asked me a zillion times if he could go through the amphibian learning maze and I declared at one point that we would never ever go to the zoo again...EVAH! And then we laughed and laughed. No thought involved...just being in the moment. It was a VERY good day.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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Sam and I went to Walmart Thursday to look at bicycles (can you believe he'll be eight years old next week?!?!). Anyway...we walked past the baby section and noticed some adorable baby summer clothes.

You know what I was thinking.

Sam said, "Those would look so cute on Baby Liberty (his cousin)."
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Elizabeth McCracken had a great line in her book. "Closure is bullshit." I literally cheered when I read that.
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I commented on Kate's blog that it would be ok...some day. But really...what do I know? Nothing!

I really need to not be such a moron.
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At first, I had a desperate need to have the baby's urn at home. I wanted it on my bedside table...but when we brought it home, I set it on the fireplace in the living room (where it remains).

The other day, I walked past and felt oddly puzzled at the fact that my dead baby's cremains are sitting on my fireplace. It was a living being in my belly not too long ago. Now it's a marble collectible on the mantle next to my son's handmade "World's Greatest Mom" trophy.
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There are these moments that hit me when I literally can not breathe for the weight of everything on me. These moments usually come on as a result of some sensory memory. The feel of the flannel pregnancy pillow set one off. The sound of the shower set another off. Maybe they are mini panic attacks...who knows. I'm sure there is some not-so-deep psychological reason for them that could be treated with the proper talk therapy and pharmaceutical interventions. Whatever. I'm really not interested in being "cured" just yet.

Today's little attack was EASY to see coming.

See, I follow lots of photography blogs. Photographers work A LOT with wedding, maternity, baby and family photos. I'm ok with them. Never had a problem. But today...this post.

That was the nursery decor I wanted. I had (foolishly) put it on our baby registry. I KNOW! With my history, WHY would I make up a baby registry? I KNOW! But I did.

Now I know for sure...

our baby would have been so adorable with Dr. Seuss.
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I stopped at the APL for dog food to feed my herd. Even there, I run into new moms with new babies. I just want to scream sometimes...REALLY?!?!
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I have almost run through my first month supply of wine and ambien.

The sleeping is not going well.
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This should be printed and handed out to friends and family when a baby dies. No nonsense...straightforward...really perfect.
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Who else is tired of hearing me talk deadbaby? I know I am.
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Did I mention my first baby will be EIGHT in a week? I just look at him sometimes (often eliciting a, "What?") and I think how amazing he is. I never imagined I would have this amazing kid. He reminds me of who we used to be...and who we have become...as a family. He is kind and funny and oh-so-smart. We are so lucky to have him in our lives.

He wants a big kid bike for his birthday but I'm not sure I'm ready for the training wheels to come off yet.
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I was just asked, "Can we smell the fart?"

Yeah...it ain't all Hallmark moments around here.
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I really hate the smell of cheerios.

But I guess it's better than farts.
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Did I tell you that I told Sam he would have to participate in a summer reading program and he cried as though I'd just killed a puppy? Yeah. As someone who LOVES to read, I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
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Sometimes I think life would be a whole lot easier if we didn't have all our pets. And then they do something to make me smile...and I still think life would be a whole lot easier if we didn't have all our pets...but it would also be way less fun.
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I worry about my brother even though I know he's an adult and should be able to handle his life without my advice.

I'm also a little sad that we don't have the kind of relationship where he would ask for my advice.
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I need to find a dentist. Then make an appointment. Then have work done on a probable cavity. Then explain why I haven't been to the dentist in 20 years or so. Should be fun.
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The goal of bill collectors is to irritate you until you beg, borrow, or steal the money to get them off your case. It is a form of harassment and should be illegal. Even though I find it endlessly amusing to play with their heads, I don't appreciate the phone calls first thing at 8am and last thing at 8pm.

Student loans. I dare them to repossess my brain...because...they can have it.
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I have been collecting little things here and there to send to a friend. I don't know where I've stored them in the house. I have a gift I intended to send to another friend over a year ago. It's still sitting on a shelf in my closet. I have thank you cards all addressed and stamped and sitting in a bag I usually carry to work (but haven't needed in the last couple of weeks). I'm not so good at this friendship thing...at least as it involves the postal service.
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Last night at checkout...coffee creamer, marshmallows and wine.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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Just realized I left a small glass of Southern Comfort Hurricane cocktail sitting on my bedside table. I wonder if the cats will drink it and if they do, will it kill them?

(For the record...not they did not...and they are fine.)
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I talked with a client on the phone...and I just kept wondering, "Does he know? Did someone tell him? What if he doesn't know? The next time he sees me he's surely going to figure it out. Maybe I should just say something. But I can't...etc...etc...etc."

Don't ask me what he wanted...I can't remember ANY of our conversation.
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I bled for two weeks...ovulated...and now I have my period.

Every day I checked the toilet paper for blood. Every.Single.Day. I figured if it was all going to go wrong, it would be something new and exciting like a bloody miscarriage. Instead, our baby just quietly died.

And now there is blood.

I just can't put into words how this has knocked the wind out of me.
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I have been "not pregnant" for a month now...and I just caught myself leaning back in my chair with my cup resting on the top of my belly.
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I sent out a couple feelers for photographer assistant jobs. Didn't get them (didn't even hear back). But I have been motivated lately to pick up my camera and WORK with it. I'm also editing some older shots for what will turn into a portfolio (maybe online). For my sanity, I have to make some changes in my life. HAVE TO.
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I applied for a forbearance for my law school loans. Bill paying wasn't high on our list of priorities for a few weeks and I got kind of behind. For some reason, they approved it for the majority of the loans...but not for one portion of it (something about private versus federal...blah, blah, blah). So that portion remains delinquent.

The collection person called me today asking when payment would be made.
I said, "I don't know."
She asked, "You can't make the payment?"
I said, "No, I don't think I can."
She SIGHED and said, "This did affect your credit and the calls will continue until payment is made."
I said, "It's your dime."
She said, "Thank you," and HUNG UP!

Now, this is my first go-round with being late with bills of any kind...so I have no collections experience to compare it to. But that's it?!?! Really?!?! You're going to CALL ME until I pay?!?! I'm shaking in my boots.

At least the lady who called about the late car payment asked me where the car was and what shape it was in (to which I said, "You sound like you're about to repossess it for ONE late payment"). Now THAT was at least a LITTLE intimidating.

And for the record, I DO plan on paying the missed payment...I was just jerking her chain to see what kind of reaction I'd get. I guess now I know.
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Finally, using all those maxi pads pays off. Free movie ticket offer inside specially marked packages of Always (and Tampax). I'm going to see some Russell this weekend for free...awesome!

And I cashed in some of my Pamper's points a while back and got an Applebee's gift card. So we'll have dinner too!

Wince we did not manage to overcome the Mother's Day shadow last weekend and get our tattoos...I will be doing that as well. Steve may or may not, depending on whether he can come up with a design idea that doesn't repulse me. It's his skin...but I have to look at it...so we're trying to find something that makes us both happy.
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Miscellaneous Thoughts

It's Friday...time for a jumble of disconnected thoughts (seems to be all I have these days).

-My older child is obsessed with peeing in the great outdoors. It irritates me.

-I want to be a doctor. What other profession can you do virtually NOTHING, say, "Gee, I don't know," and still get paid THOUSANDS of dollars? I still love my doctor...but I can't help but wonder about this stuff.

-My insurance isn't too bad as far as dead baby ultrasounds go...only $38.

-We asked the bank to refinance in order to reduce our monthly house payment. They said no. We are seriously thinking there is a conspiracy going on. It would probably be good for the local bank to help Waste Management gain possession of our house at a rock-bottom price...so we can't help but wonder...

-I want a haircut but can't bring myself to do it because I DREAD the hairdresser's idle chit-chat. I wonder how many people burst into tears in the chair?

-Our friend, Lady Cynthia, sent us a deadbaby care package that included $10 wrapped around a wine cork...the closest thing she could get to sending us a bottle. We went to Heritage Wines and bought a wine called "Half & Half." Funny or sick?

-My friend MB sent us a lovely a tower of assorted sweet treats. The chocolate covered caramels with sea salt arrived yesterday (everything else arrived today), and you'll notice they didn't make it to picture time intact. Not sure I should thank her for the extra pounds I'll be having to work off. :o)

-We are starting to think we may have to re-name Myles. We recently realized his name may be a source of considerable confusion during the toddler "my/mine" phase...when he kept repeating "my's toy." Is it possible that he thinks everything belongs to him because the words are so phonetically close? My...Myles?

-When I'm 90 years old and have officially been deemed demented, I think I will really enjoy freaking people out by talking about my dead babies.

-If I just pretend it was all a bad dream, will I pay for it later? I always heard/believed that you can't deny grief or it will come back to bite you.

-And here is where reality and politics potentially collide...Seeing Little Bug on ultrasound and acknowledging him/her as a BABY/PERSON has really fucked me up. I'm just saying (Oklahoma...Florida...Louisiana...etc).

-The dog in the previous post went immediately to the APL. Did not even cross the threshold of home. Eight is more than enough.

Miscellaneous thoughts

I hate being sick.
The end.
See ya next week.
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OK...so that's not all.

I heard something today to motivated me to write. Garth Brooks was interviewed about where he was eight years ago today. He was in New York. But you know what he said? He said, "The firefighters and police acted so bravely...but...that's their story to tell."

Everyone has a story to tell of that day. No matter how remote they were from the awful events.

Me?

All I can remember is that we (Steve, Princess Holley, and me) were in that very spot a week and a half earlier. That's my story. I think it was about ten days that separated us from the tragedy unfolding on the TV screen.

I have tried not to think about it...the what ifs. As awful as it sounds...I'm thankful for those ten days. That is my story.

No...THIS is my story.

And so today I choose to participate in the National Day of Service by doing administrative stuff for my Animal Protective League. I'm not changing the world by any means...just helping improve my little corner. And they're not human lives...but I'm still trying to save lives.

I hope some day, a long time from now, all the days following those ten days in September will count for something.

And I'm borrowing from Eve's tweet here...

"for today [I] will not dwell on the lives lost before they began, and the futures already underway left unfulfilled."
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Oh! And I MUST tell you about the second grade teacher! Or have I told you already? I'll have to check my archives and see...

So I only told you a bit about her. She sends home WEEKLY reports! She keeps us informed! And when I met her during Open House? She already had Sam's number! Sat him next to the quietest (and sweetest...I secretly hope they marry some day) girl in the entire class and gave him lots of incentive to complete his work. Unfortunately, he got sick and missed two days...losing his "groove." But still! The teacher! I LOVE her! I suppose it didn't hurt her image at all when she told me she knows my son is smart...that she knows that's not the problem. Seriously...LOVE her!
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I still hate being sick.

Miscellaneous thoughts

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I just grabbed the nearest object (a little plastic ball) and threw it at my husband's head...and hit him. It's a good thing I wasn't near the pots and pans.
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Of all the people my child could be exposed to in the public school system, the President of the United States seems like one of, if not THE, least harmful. What's next? Parents get to approve a teacher's curriculum? "Oh no no no...I don't want little Susie learning about x, y, or z today?" As Sam likes to say...pish posh.

I also have to wonder if there would be all this furor if we were back in the immediate post-911 era and the President was GWB. Respect the President...no...wait...don't. I feel like I'm getting whiplash just trying to keep up with the whims of the American public.
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Why do most people have such a desire to believe in the hope of some God and lack such desire to believe in themselves? Why is it so difficult to believe in the power within us as individuals? and as a collective society? What makes that idea so much more preposterous than some all-knowing, all-powerful entity in the sky?
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My Crocs sandals arrived. Did you know they're made in China? I swear, the Chinese must laugh at all the weird stuff they sell us crazy Americans.

Anyway I tried them on and I have to say I like them. I'm not entirely in love with them just yet...the little nubbys on the soles of my feet feel really weird. But we'll see.
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Dick's Sporting Goods has opted NOT to sell Michael Vick jerseys. Kudos to them!

It just occurred to me that it's not considered ok for the President of the Unitest States to speak to schoolchildren, but it's ok to sell NFL merchandise that represents a convicted felon to schoolchildren. oy! People sure are crazy.
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I made a dog bed. I want to sell it to benefit the APL. The store staff have put it in the corner...without a price tag. How do I tactfully express that (1) my feelings were hurt; and (2) I think they could sell it if they displayed it appropriately?

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I can now officially list window decorator on my list of lifetime accomplishments.

And I got to USE my Cricut for the first time for the letters on the sign!

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No matter how much you know it isn't true, it still hurts when my kid says to me, "Sometimes you act like you don't love me."
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Tomorrow is shopping for shower and wedding decorations for my brother's October 10th wedding. My mom, me, and my sister-in-law-to-be (hey, that rhymes)...I hope she doesn't mind our weirdness because that might just be awkward at Thanksgiving and such.
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I just about wet my pants laughing while reading this.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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I was trying to convince a photographer friend of mine to participate in NIMLDTS when I realized I should put my money where my mouth is. So...I've become a digital retouch artist for NILMDTS. Keep your fingers crossed that I can do it. It's not done without paying an emotional toll...no matter how "well adjusted" I may be.
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I've been working on sewing projects with my beautiful new serger. Here's a shirt I made to wear in the 90 degree 90% humidity.
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If you read only one blog post this week...make it this one.
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It wasn't the gluten after all. Though I've never felt better and plan to still eat gluten free (for the most part), the skin rash on my hand was a plain old allergic reaction. I won't tell you what it was...because it's embarassing. No...it was not THAT...get your minds out of the gutter!

This exercise has proven, once again, that Dr. Google can be a curse and a blessing. But it has also proven that I CAN stick to a diet...so no more excuses.
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Last year, my husband's company offered free school supplies. The pickings were slim, but we were grateful for every little bit of help. This year, Sam got a bag of school supplies that should last him through the entire year. 36 ink pens...I don't think he's even allowed to use ink pens in second grade.
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My amazing husband got a promotion! He is now an old guy with "Senior" in his job title. I'm so proud of him. At least one of us is going places in our career.
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Speaking of my career...I've got some complaining to do about mine...mainly about the feeling that, when it really comes down to brass tacks, my boss won't be there to back me up. I wonder why I bother doing what I do if it's not worth the effort to him. It seems like a waste of my time and his. Maybe it's time to seriously look elsewhere. (insert whine about how much I hate the job search thing)
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No diamonds for my anniversary. *sigh* But I guess since I've got an amazing husband and two beautiful kids I'll ignore the oversight...this time. lol!
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Miscellaneous thoughts

I'm slightly disturbed that Blogger now has a Facebook style "reaction" gadget I can add to my posts. People no longer need to even string two words together in a comment...just hit a button that says "interesting" or "funny" or "I'm a lazy a$$ and can't think of anything original to say in a comment so I'm just clicking this stupid button."
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Speaking of which...

It seems I'm limited to two distinct types of communication lately. Short Twitter-like statements OR what my sixth-grade teacher, Mrs. Stanley, used to call verbal diarrhea. (And yes, I am quite impressed that I know how to spell diarrhea correctly...spellcheck verified and I did a little happy dance because, YAY, I'm smarter than I thought I was!) Anyway...this is my problem. Nice problem to have, right?

Honestly, I've been doing. That's right DOING. More than I've done in YEARS. Sewing. Volunteering. Working (my boss will be so pleased). Connecting with friends. The summer is here and it's filled with fresh blackberries straight from the vine (oh, ok, not STRAIGHT from the vine...we have animals...I washed them before eating), water gun battles, picnics on the front porch that were taken indoors to escape the killer mosquitos, sunshine until 9:30pm, beautiful dark pink and purple sunsets, laughter, adventures and love.

I heard something on Guiding Light the other day (yes, the soap opera...don't be so judgmental) that really resonated with me. If you're spending so much time trying to take it all in, recording it so you can recall it later, then you're not really experiencing it. Maybe that's why I blogged so much during the time the grief was so bad...so I wouldn't have to experience it all...so it's edges were dulled by the recording and sharing. Who knew?!?! Real life lessons on soap operas! Cool!
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Anyway...this summer has been a lot of Myles climbing on everything. And yes, of course there are pictures.

But the cutest is when he climbs up on top of his big brother and "attacks" him. It's really adorable the way he cries a war-cry and then growls like a ferocious beast. It makes me laugh every time. And Sam, bless his heart, says, "No baby," and laughs with me.
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As we knew he would be, Sam is an amazing big brother. He does get frustrated every now and then, but we've tried to teach him to find the humor in Myles' annoying habits and it seems to keep him on an even keel for the most part. Despite "hating soccer," he has recently announced he wants to play soccer again in the fall. I look at it as guaranteed crochet time.
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The whole family is currently preparing to say goodbye to our friend, Daisy Mae. She's had a bad spell here the last few days and, while she's feeling better right now, she probably isn't long for this world. It's an important lesson for all of us. I brought her home because she's old and "unadoptable" and I didn't want her to die alone in the animal shelter. So we'll love her as long as we can...and then we'll wish her peace and hope to see her again in another life.
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Last week I had lunch with a friend from high school (and elementary school before that). It was nice. A little weird being adults together now since I know all her "growing up stuff" and she knows all of mine. It was followed by immediate insecurity on my part. Did I sound like a bitter old lady? A complete dork?

Imagine the chuckle I got when she sent me an email apologizing for being nervous and "not the best conversationalist."

Now I remember why we've been such good friends for so long.
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I have discovered I will never be a really great boss. I just can't deal with the tough stuff like discipline and firing. I'm a member of a board of directors that is currently dealing with the realities of having employees who "just don't work out." It's not fun for anyone.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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Last Sunday, after literally telling everyone to "get out of my space," I was able to do a little sewing. Seams sewn. Zippers repaired. Buttons replaced. The front of a new dress pattern pinned to fabric...upside down. oops!
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I need a serger. Like NEED a serger. Yes, I'm thirteen and figure if I keep begging I will, one day, actually get a serger.
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Not much to note around here. Got a cheap window air conditioner for the boys' room and fashioned a redneck-style window installation. I'm just hoping it doesn't slip out of the window and fall down the two stories to the ground below. Not that I doubt my husband's redneck capabilities or anything, but I think I will rope off a "do not walk here" zone...just to be safe.
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I need a better paying job. I'm just saying.
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Halfway through the year and some things have fallen by the wayside. Photo Fridays...I really really want to catch up but I'm not sure where I'll find the time. Snowflake Mondays...I am trying to catch up but I learned last weekend that I cannot crochet snowflakes in the car. The thread and hook are too fine...and the work too detailed...to do with any extraneous bumping around.
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You knew it was only a matter of time.
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My girlfriend and I talk about opening our own craft and coffee shop. Her husband says it's like the parallel to the guy conversation about how cool it would be to open a bar. Phooey. Someday I'm going to find a way to make it happen and make him eat his words.
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I'm having a House Party on Saturday...sponsored by Domino's American Legends pizza. Free pizza! Fun!
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I really wonder why I had to answer any questions about dinner if he was just going to throw a grilled steak on my plate and leave it at that. I returned from the grill with my steak...looked on the stove...looked in the microwave...nothing. No, I do not want my green beans in another five minutes or my potatoes in another fifteen minutes (after my steak is gone). sheesh!
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Zip the foster dog expressed her displeasure with her new harness by chewing through it. It was cute too, dang it! Pink with little white polka dots. Of course, said chewing incident could have been prevented if I would have just taken the darn thing off her before I went to work. But I was misled to believe that the boys would keep an eye on her during the day (Live and learn, I guess). Now I need to find another cute harness. I know it's sad, but it's the only way I can get any sort of girly shopping fix.
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LOL!
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We recently adopted an old black labbie girl from the APL. She can't stand having her picture taken. Seriously, she gets up and walks away whenever she sees a camera pointed in her direction. My husband's hypothesis? She was a supermodel in a past life and is tired of the "pup-arazzi." Yeah...I know.
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Sam is watching the Travel Channel. He now wants to visit Belgium, Chile, and Gilbert, Arizona.
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Today...I lost three pair of shoes to the foster dog...I didn't get coffee until noon...Sam has a teenager attitude in a 7-year-old body...Myles fell off the couch three times...the car requires $300 worth of repair...I have to take Myles to the doctor for a checkup...I have to attend calling hours for my boss's son this evening.

Tonight...I drink.
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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Bring on summertime! First grade is over! The boy got all A's and Satisfactory's. He's still got that checkmark indicating he needs improvement controlling his talking. Wonder where he got that particular trait...
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Nothing against Relay for Life or anything, but one of their wayward yard signs cost me $85 in van repair. That does not make me likely to make a donation this year.
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Still can't help but wonder why some babies live and some don't.
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I never get tired of hearing elected officials swear at me. Yeah, it's no wonder I have a potty mouth and my kid has a potty mouth (Did I tell you he dropped the f-bomb at dinner with my parents last week? I'm just SO proud).
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I love baking pumpkin bread...it makes my house smell so yummy.
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Zip the foster dog is doing great. She's currently sitting here whining at me because I'm not paying her enough attention. I keep thinking "aggressive...yeah...right."
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Who thought it was a good idea for me to serve on the Board of Directors of anything?
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Sam may go to a friend's house for the very first time next week. Keep your fingers crossed I don't hyperventilate over the whole thing.
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I tend to blog in tweet terms now. Sorry about that.
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Zip the foster dog took four steps on a leash! Incentive=bologna. Next stop...the great outdoors...hopefully in this lifetime.

Sharma the white shepherd went to rescue today. I had the privilege of driving the first leg. Such a sweet sweet girl. When I hear "the innocent victim of the foreclosure crisis," this is who I think of.
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I would crochet more and read more, but I'm too tired.
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The balloons have all deflated from all the birthday celebrations and I can no longer find Myles this way...

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Miscellaneous thoughts

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Kate asked...
Let’s toss aside the solemnity commanded by the economic shitstorm. Tell me what you lust for. What indulgences, little or big, do you refuse to give up against all good advice? What ridiculous or otherwise wildly irrational object would make your life complete?

I refuse to give up against all good advice...
...my new camera (I will share photos some day, I promise)
...the wii we are saving up for
...havarti cheese
...fashion jewelry (not real expensive stuff)
...candles
...yarn

I'm a simple girl, really. But I have to say, I think my life would be complete if I could afford a minivan with all the fancy schmancy features (mine has crank windows as if I'm living in a 1970s movie). I KNOW my life would be complete with a new Jeep Wrangler (I miss my Jeep...gave it up for a "family car").
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My job title should be Assistant Prosecutor/Guidance Counselor. I swear half the problems I deal with are not legal in nature but are, simply put, personality conflicts.
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M&Ms premiums will soon be available in individual serving sizes rather than just the $7 big size. I LOVE the mint ones.

BTW...if you don't follow The Candy Blog, you really should.
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Question: If you give a birthday gift that requires a battery charge to a six-going-on-seven kid, do you charge it before you give it to him? Keep in mind that he's receiving said gift at his birthday party and there is a good chance he will want to play with it to the exclusion of his party guests.
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I'm still irritated about this.
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This week was crazy busy. One dog had a seizure. One dog had a dental appointment (and diagnosis of thyroid disease). I had a migraine that kept me home from work on Tuesday. Sam had THREE baseball games. Sam and I have been working with a dog at the APL shelter almost every day (Zip's story is in the works). Tonight is tattoo and grocery shopping night (isn't that a weird combination?). Tomorrow is Sam's birthday party. Sunday and Monday are going to be days of rest, gardening, sewing, crocheting, beading, and maybe a little cleaning. I can't wait!
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I actually did consider dragonflies for my tattoo, but I want something that will remind me of all my boys...and dragonflies really remind me only of the two who aren't here. Never thought I'd say this, but that'd be just too sad to see every day.
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I caught the boss playing computer solitaire today. It stands to reason that he won't mind my playing Bejeweled Blitz...right?
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Miscellaneous thoughts

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I absolutely LOVE Secret Spineless whines...especially when relevant to my life.

Can I copy this one and hang it on the bulletin board at my office?
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Nearly one in five of the uninsured – 8.5 million people – live in rural areas.
Rural residents pay on average for 40% of their health care costs out of their own pocket, compared with the urban share of one-third.
In a multi-state survey, one in five insured farmers had medical debt.

Hard Times in the Heartland; Health Care in Rural America

I find this interesting given the popular representation of those needing help with medical care as typically being the urban poor.
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I have spent this past week catching up on blogs I haven't read in weeks, months, and (in some cases) years. In fact, I completely forgot I subscribed to Google Reader for a while and there are a whole bunch of blogs I just don't read anymore. It was weird...kind of like catching up with old friends...kind of like being a peeping tom.
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I am not a confrontational person. I know...funny stuff for a lawyer. But I try to avoid confrontation as much as possible. So some uncomfortable confrontational business with the Board of Directors I am a member of has got me out of sorts. I'm in the position of telling someone some news they will find unpleasant. It's nothing personal for me...just business. But I KNOW how these things work and I'm terrified of the fallout. (deep breath) I really need to grow up, don't I?
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Sam: "Some people believe in a lightning Jesus."

Me: (choking on my pecan pie) "What is a lightning Jesus?"

Sam: "A Jesus who throws lightning bolts down through your house like a weapon."

Me: "And who told you this?"

Sam: "Ms. C read it to us from the book she was reading."

Me: "What book was that?"

For the record, the book is I Can Read About Thunder and Lightning, by David Cutts, David Davidson. And the EXACT quote is...

"Long ago, people thought that thunder and lightning were caused by the gods. The ancient Greeks believed there was a fire god who hammered thunderbolts and lightning streaks on his anvil in the heavens. Then he gave them to Zeus, the king of the gods, who hurled them at his enemies."

Sounds about as plausible as all the other stuff I've been taught over the years.
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Dear co-worker:
Your friend who is beaten by her rich boyfriend but "keeps going back to him because he's rich" and because "she seems to like drama in her life" is a victim of abuse. Instead of condemning her choices, why don't you break out of your own comfortable little life and really help her make better choices. Simply telling her to call the Victims of Crime office is like spitting on a raging forest fire.

Oh...and get a freaking clue...you work in a PROSECUTOR'S OFFICE! You should know better.
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Actual email received at work...

Attached please find the May Risk Management meeting notice. The topic for May is Employee Safety and Violence Prevention, presented by G.... G....., an instructor on Anger Management.

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And another actual email recieved at work...

I thought everyone may be interested in this information for subsidy on electing health insurance after a posibile lay-off.

Thanks,

L (Human Resources)

Miscellaneous thoughts

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The Fisher Price Stride to Ride Walker I bought Sam in 2002 was discontinued in 2006 and is now considered collectible. WTF?!?!

I just need some replacement balls for the darn thing (the dog ate ours). I'm afraid ping pong balls will be too small.
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Congratulations to Shutter Sisters for winning the Dream Photography Assignment contest. Hope IS more than wishful thinking.
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It's a simple thing really...squirt some Windex on the windows and wipe. So why am I the only one who seems able to do it? Do I live with idiots? (Don't answer that.)
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For anyone who wonders what celebrities and Twitter are good for...look at this.

And on Twitter...Hugh Jackman took "favorite charity" suggestions and as a result is donating $50,000 to Charity:Water and $50,000 to Operation of Hope.

Twitter...it's good for something more than just wasting time.
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Sam woke up with an enthusiastic, "It's May first!" and bounded out of bed to go play. Yes...it's May first. In a week it will be May eighth. And then a few days after that...May eleventh. I rolled over and went back to sleep.
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Dear MSN...I do not want to look at closeups of people's teeth while reading my emails. Please remove these ads or I may have to change to a different free email service. Thank you!
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Filed under "Things I never thought I'd say"...
"Sam, why is the dining room table tied up?"
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Busy weekend planned.

Friday...day off with Sam to clean the house and play video games, not necessarily in that order. Maybe a dinner date with the hubster. Must get some birthday and grocery shopping in here somewhere as well.

Saturday...baseball game then home to clean and cook for a Lia Sophia party. I use the term party loosely, as I think about four other people are planning to attend...and one of them is my mom.

Sunday...I'm off to the Maple Festival to sell raffle tickets for the Friends of Womensafe quilt raffle. Then watch the parade with the family at 3pm. Afterwards, I believe we're headed to my parent's house to have an early birthday dinner for my dad (his birthday is the 4th).

See ya on the flip side!
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And the winners of the candles are...
Black Orchid ~ robin_titan
Sparkling Amber~ Catherine

Robin...email me with your snail mail address and I will get them out to you ASAP. Catherine...I've got yours already.

Thanks to everyone who reads/comments/supports my sorry a$$ when I need it.

I think I'm going to do more giveaways. This was fun!
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