While sitting in a continuing legal education class yesterday, I marvelled at the egos of the other lawyers in the room. During a discussion of professionalism I had to stifle a laugh when someone actually said, "People think lawyers, as a group, are just BETTER than other people." I certainly don't think of myself that way. In fact, I often discount my knowledge to the point that I may be making my own clients disrespect me and my opinions. As Dr. Phil says...You teach people how to treat you.
Then this morning, I read this short online "bio" and I was...I guess "impressed" is the word I would use. "I work by day as a systems integrator, by night I'm a photographer, a husband and a father." It sounds so...I don't know...cool (yes, I AM still twelve years old apparently). But when I say something similar about myself, I feel...embarrassed...shy...apologetic. As if I'm not worth the word "photographer." As if my dreams are somehow less than someone else's.
I know when this happened to me. I can pinpoint the day...the exact moment...when I became so uncertain of myself and everything I wanted out of this life. I let my contemplations about what meanings may/not be applied to certain (random) acts interfere with LIVING my life.
The other day, Sam said to me, "Mom, you know I'm your whole reason for living," and I felt as though I'd been physically punched. I do live for my family and I find great joy in them. But I am not happy living for my family to the exclusion of just about everything else. I've lost myself.
1 comment:
I understand this post so much. The thing about my losses that always kicks my ass is that I may have struggled with certain issues before them, but they just MAGNIFIED those issues so much.
Confidence, self-esteem, my dreams, my belief in myself, all those things have suffered greatly since my losses. I feel like I have been trying to find or redefine myself for 5 years.
Good luck finding you...
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