Crazy bird

I just read this post over at Glow in the Woods and the questions at the end inspired me to write. I haven't felt like it for a while, so I'm going to go with it.

What does your crazy look like? Does it scare you? Is it an ally, giving you permission to act outside the box? What do you do with other people who think you are crazy? What elements of grieving have made you feel most isolated and separate? What elements have made you feel the most normal, human, and sane?

We knew what happened 2 times. We didn't know why. And so I screamed at birds. And then we didn't even know what happened the third time. And so I screamed at birds.

I used to think crows were a lucky symbol for me. I swear one followed me around Columbus, Ohio the third time I took the bar exam...and finally passed.

I used to get excited about birds. Bluebirds, goldfinches, redwing blackbirds...

And now I f---ing hate birds.

Just a LITTLE bit crazy?

Could have been...

Then I read that a friend's daughter has lost her baby girl at 40 weeks.

And I can't help but think...

Could have been...

The wife of a friend from high school safely delivered their second child this week.

And I can't help but thinking...

Miscellaneous thoughts

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So what WAS that horrible self-indulgent whine-fest about the other day?!?! I still have moments, in case you couldn't tell.
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I hurt by shoulder/back/neck somehow, though I don't recall how, and took some percocet to help (after three days of no sleep...I NEEDED to do something). Well, let me tell you, that was the WORST sensory memory EVER and I will NEVER do it again. I will be leaving the heavy-duty drugs to the hospital from this point forward...so as not to mess my head up too much.
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I want to photograph a wedding but am having a hard time asking people if I can crash their special day in order to build my portfolio. I asked an acquaintence/friend if I could photographer her newborn and felt like a complete freak doing so. I can't wait until things turn around and people ask ME (here's hoping, anyway).
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I was HAPPY that the scale was under 220. There is something very wrong with that.
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I wanted to sew instead of taking my son to a birthday party. But I sucked it up and it was a nice time for everyone.
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We have a new foster dog that has clearly been beaten before. He doesn't understand that things are different now. He is so very sad and it breaks my heart. I really want five minutes alone with the ass that did this to him.
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Blah. Committee work. Need I say more?
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The eight-year-old has turned into a tattletale whiner and the two-year-old has turned into a screamer. Remind me that it's just a phase please.
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I finally went through the big pile of papers my son brought home on the last day of second grade. In it I found a couple writing assignments that literally made me cry.

"Dear Mom, I never really liked my life. Did you know that I want to run away sometimes?"

Yeah. Parent-of-the-year here.
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The MOM Project has "slowed down" due to lack of funds and lack of volunteers. But I still have beads and I'm still making bracelets (especially for loss moms). So if you hear of someone who "needs" a bracelet, please just let me know.
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And yet...

I was reading this post over at Glow in the Woods today. The author asked, "How have subsequent changes in your life been colored by your loss? How has your grief changed to accommodate new circumstances?"

My answer? I feel like I'm in a snowglobe that's all shaken up. Things are slowly settling back into new places...some are CLOSE to where they used to be...but just not quite in the RIGHT spot. I can rearrange things, of course, but it's all just so overwhelming that I'd rather sit and look around and think, "Well...this sucks." And yet, I don't WANT to be THAT person.

People tell me they admire me. People tell me I'm "so strong," and I laugh at the absurdity of it all...because I feel anything BUT admirable or strong. I feel. I think. I fear. I hope. I live. And yet something is just not quite right. I try too hard to force things because I want to be...I don't know...happy...satisfied...settled...I don't know how to describe it. I want...something...I'm not sure what it is...but I'm afraid it's something I will never have. Does that make ANY sense?

Please help

You know I love kids and dogs and happy families. Please help my friend Erica's son afford the assistance dog and car seat he needs. Make a small donation...and send this chip-in to everyone you know. I just BET we can raise the whole amount needed.



Thanks so much!

Three months ago.
Would have been 32 weeks.
You would be arriving (early)
...this month.
It was a good dream at the time.

Instead, your burned little body sits on the fireplace
in a brick I long to smash through a window.
No one would know why.
I don't think they remember.
I barely remember.

All that's left of you
...the only proof you were here at all.
Life is so normal
I must be over it.
I'm trying.
Hiding.
Pretending.
Mostly.
But not today.
Not this month...

...when you were supposed to arrive.

Busy busy busy

I've been trying to keep myself busy lately. I've picked up my camera and am starting to "put myself out there" to friends and family. Hopefully I'll be able to build a little side business eventually. Click here to see some of my recent photo work for a friend (and feel free to order something from her...I personally love her pieces).

I've lined up a newborn photo session when my friend's baby is born in August/September. Of course, it took me a beat to get myself together when she told me Baby Kennedy's nursery theme is bugs. But it was just a beat...not hours, days, or weeks, like it might have been in the past. I think I'm just excited to flex my photo muscles and see what I can come up with. Mom wants a four-generation picture with baby, mom, grandma, and great-grandma. I've got all sorts of ideas swirling around in my head so I hope I can translate at least some of them to actual images.

Of course, summertime is all about sunshine and popsicles and bike-riding and campfires. So...that's what we've been doing. Truth be told, we're busier now than during school...and we're not even GOING anywhere. Independence Day weekend brought a picnic McDonald's supper at the playground park (followed by running and sliding and swinging and laughing), a puppy transport, a picnic supper at fireworks, sleeping late, new photo editing skills practice, a campfire with roasted hot dogs and marshmallows, drinking wine, another dog transport/home visit, volunteer time at the APL, a new foster dog, playing Wii and air conditioned sleeping.

Happy Independence Day!

In the holiday spirit

I will take McDonald's dinners to the park and watch Sam and Myles play. I will transport puppies to a new life, meet a friend for outlet mall shopping, take our kids for a little train ride, watch fireworks and drink wine. I will help with yardwork, pitch a tent in the backyard, make a campfire and roast hot dogs and marshmallows. I will spend Monday at home reading and sewing and generally lazing around.

I will NOT think about what July might have brought.

Except maybe when I walk past that brick on the top of my fireplace in the living room. The one that holds what might have been.

But for the most part, I will be happy.

I hope.