You had to be there

Me: (handing over empty take-out salad container) "That was awful."

Steve: "Your pie?"

Me: "What kind of pie has lettuce and cabbage and carrots?"

Steve: "A really terrible pie."

Jumping in with both feet

So I find out I'm pregnant, get sick, and immediately lose my mind. It's just a sinus infection. Granted, it's the worst sinus infection I've ever had...because I can't take a damn thing for it...but it's not like I have the plague or anything. But the thoughts still creep in.

~I'm so sick, surely this pregnancy is doomed.
~I'm putting myself through the ringer not taking antibiotics and it's all so silly because this pregnancy is doomed.
~How will I un-tell everyone when this doomed pregnancy meets its untimely end?
~Baby's probably already dead anyway.

Yeah...you get the idea.

And I know it's me...it's totally me. I'm a complete freakshow. I can't just be normal...think normal...feel normal.

My OB had the best line...

Hang tight, try not to despair, and I'll see you soon.

Seriously...try not to despair. That is PERFECT! That is EXACTLY the kind of thing someone should say to someone like me after "congratulations." Don't try to be cute or hopeful or positive...just call it like it is...

Try not to despair.

Long time, no post

~Work update...I think this email pretty well sums it up...

"Does anyone have a Hewlett Packer printer cartridge 15-X for an HP LaserJet 1200 B &W printer that I could borrow until I receive a new budget appropriation in 2010? If I don’t need it by then, I’ll return it to you unopened."

Yeah...that is how bad it is.

But I'm still taking two weeks off to care for the boys while they are on their vacation(s).

~The car broke down. We still owe $3000 on it...and now we have to have a whole new engine put in it to the tune of $2600. Money we do not have...again. Thank goodness we still have a LITTLE bit of credit. *sigh*

~The big kid continues to not get his work done in school. I asked him the other day how many people get 110% on their practice tests and he said, "Me and maybe a couple other kids." I am convinced he is just not being challenged.

~Myles is great...always sniffling or coughing from the latest creeping crud he's bringing home from daycare. We had absolutely NO idea what to get him for Christmas until yesterday. We even considered going to Best Buy and offering a couple bucks for a refrigerator box. I mean, really, he'd LOVE it! But we found some things while aimlessly wandering in Toys R Us...Hopefully he'll like them.

~There is other family drama, but it's not my story to tell. So I'm just going to say I hope the love will get through and inspire someone to get better.

~We had a small holiday party for the APL at the house. It was fun. My house got cleaned. Yay me!

~Oh yeah...I got a positive home pregnancy test on Christmas Eve Eve. EDD is 8/28. I don't know how much I'll be blogging. Probably more as I get more freaked out. (sorry Shanna...I am in a state of shock. I told Steve, then my family, and then we posted on Facebook. It was the easiest way to go to avoid having to talk about it just yet.)

Sometimes they amaze me

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Sam and I had a deal. He could buy $10 worth of books from the book order and I would give him $10 to buy books at the book fair. We talked and he asked for a couple more dollars for the book fair so he could buy "a couple extra books." I love books...I love owning books...reading and re-reading. So naturally, I sent him with a few extra dollars to the book fair ($15). He came home with one $4 book, a plastic pointer with a rubber hand/finger on the end, and four pencils. *sigh*
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Myles was standing on tiptoes, stretching to reach something just beyond his grasp.

I said, "Myles, you're too short baby."

"Huh?"

"You're too short...you need to grow."

"Grow?"

"You need to grow...get taller."

"Oh"

He ran out of the room for about 30 seconds and reappeared with the stepstool...set it down...stepped up on it...and voila. Smart kid.
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Sam continues to struggle with keeping his mouth shut during school. He repeatedly comes home with work he did not finish...because he was talking.
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Myles is talking. It seems he may have been talking all along...I just haven't been paying attention. His pronunciation is terrible except for a few regularly-used words, but he really makes sense if you know what you're hearing. And now that I'm clued in, we can work on making the words sound better.
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Went to Niagra Falls and all I got was...

So yeah...we went to Niagra Falls. God, what is wrong with me? I can't write in a more timely manner? I think I'm beginning to see where my son gets his poor work habits...

Anyway...

Niagra Falls. If you are a facebook friend then you probably were able to piece it all together. If not...the highlights...

Bought socks.

Drove through PA, stopping at Wegman's for carryout sushi for lunch. Wasabi! (A reference for Sam who enjoys that silly I Survived A Japanese Game Show)

New York.

Found the Buffalo airport and located the beautiful Kathy McC's luggage without incident.

Drove around looking for an ATM because neither Kathy or I knew if our ATM cards would work in the ATM machines in Canada. What? So we're new at this international travel business.

Toured the University of Buffalo...or Buffalo State...I can't remember. Nice campus. No ATM to be found.

Drove across the rainbow bridge and laughed like loons (come to think of it...there was quite a bit of loony-like laughing during the weekend). "Isn't the rainbow bridge where your dead pets go?" It was funny at the time...guess you had to be there.

Met the most uptight border patrol crossing guard. Kathy said he was an ass. I tend to agree. He asked us how we knew each other and I SO wanted to say, "We've never met before...we've just talked over the internet...and we're following the directions given to us by another person we've only ever talked to over the internet." But since I didn't think Kathy wanted to visit Guantanamo Bay, I just said we were friends.

Saw a GIANT Hershey's kiss that kinda looked like a flying saucer...and laughed like loons.

Through a series of hilarious misunderstandings, ended up in the wrong house. Watched the Star Wars meets 700 Club episode of SouthPark.

Found the correct house with the help of the landlord. Called Ann and Jen laughing hysterically...they thought we'd been drinking. I was kinda afraid they might change their minds at this point and not show up...we were kinda scary. But they did, and we all went for a walk in Niagra Falls...on "the hill." My advice...stay away from the hill. It's like the Vegas strip with the neon lights and loud music and wax museums and freak shows...only it's on a hill. Very unpleasant.

Had dinner at the Cockhouse. Kathy McC exhibited her stellar reading skills here and transformed the Cookhouse into something seedy. But since they had crappy food and even crappier drinks, seedy works for them. Plus, there was this weird guy staring during the meal...so this establishment earned its name. And since it makes us giggle every time we say it, Cockhouse works for us.

After that it was pretty much a blur of good conversation, these amazing cookie dough truffles made by msfitzita (who sent them along even though she sadly was not able to make it...how awesome is she?!?!), wine, and relaxation.

There was (some of this I real-time tweeted) an Elvis Costello look-alike at dinner one night, FABULOUS apple martinis, wax museums, pork jerky, Cher, mullets and poutine.

There was afternoon naptime.

There was learning of the AWESOME habit of rinsing with vodka (which more than one of us have since tried, I'm sure).

There was Wayne Gretzky wine and an insanely overcrowded Christmas shop.

There was the LOUD sound of the falls on the front porch at night...and the helicopter buzzing overhead during the day.

There was the overly-friendly guy on the roof of Cash For Gold.

There was a lovely winery and a hat that "just wasn't meant to be."

There was authentic military simulation and the old lady at the pharmacy who knew EXACTLY where the nearest liquor store was.

Two words that should never be together...let alone foods that should be served together...Sushi BBQ.

There were weird dreams of strangers breaking in in the middle of the night...and checking to make sure they hadn't stolen the wine (a girl has to have priorities).

There was a lovely Perkins breakfast.

There was Kathy McC's fancy iPhone getting us un-lost after visiting THE most crowded outlet mall EVER.

And, of course, who can forget...fudge, fudge, FUDGE!?!?!

Yeah...Niagra Falls is WEIRD. But I had an amazing time getting to visit with the ladies from the blogosphere. We shared some laughs that felt really good. But more than that, I really felt free to be me...in a way I haven't felt since May 11, 2005.

(Yes, this post requires a picture. So here we are...the only group shot of the weekend I think. And yes, I stole it from Kathy...thanks Kath!)

Despite our appearance in this photo, we had a good time. In fact, we had such a good time, I would like it to become a yearly tradition. Or at least try it one more time.

Who else is in?

Two years

Happy Birthday to our baby.

*giggle*

After more than 50 years at Cleveland Metroparks Zoo, the 400-pound tortoise named Mary finally revealed that "she" is actually a "he."

Humor in the strangest places

Just read the BEST review of Sarah Palin's book, Going Rogue, on Amazon.com.

Ain't afraid of no Vietcong king, November 17, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States)

There are many kinds of truth. There are truths based on facts, truths based on faith, and truths based on something that sounds as if it should be true (truthiness). Then there's the kind of truth we find in Sarah's book: stories and concepts that become truths simply because she states them. She's a lot like our Lord and Savior, Glen Beck, in that respect.

Sometimes, she states truths that would be considered ludicrous if uttered by someone else. Her claim that the McCain campaign forced her to spend $150,000 in RNC funds to dress her family in designer clothes is one example of that. Although it might be easier to believe that she acted like a trailer park Zsa Zsa who'd found a credit card left behind at a possum feed, she blames McCain staffers. That's good enough for us, because we have faith; we want to believe her truths.

But the book isn't perfect. As much as I enjoyed the few short paragraphs in which Mrs Palin laid out her policy objectives, she could have condensed it all into one sentence: "I'm going to grab an Oxo Good Grips Stainless Serving Spatula and go all mavericky on your non-white, non-Christian and non-heterosexual butts."

The book also fails to expose Mrs. Palin's intellectual brilliance and keen grasp of foreign policy issues. Why wasn't the text of her recent speech in Hong Kong included? Although it remains secret, it's rumored that she viciously rebuked the Vietcong king for his assault on the Empire State Building. That's a speech we've been waiting for nearly 75 years to hear. It's big news and should have been included.

As you read other reviews of this book, please remember that Mrs. Palin has many enemies who are eager to pan her work. The Palin family's most potent nemesis, Levi's johnston, is no dpubt fully erect and ready to spew globs of misfortune upon them for a third time. And reason-adoring intellectuals are certain to point out that an interview on Good Morning Topeka doesn't qualify as a policy summit in the Far East.

But a few bad reviews won't stop her. She's seen much worse from her kitchen window. It can't be pleasant to gaze upon Antichristograd every morning as you brew your coffee.

My review isn't complete, but I think I'll quit anyway, because writing reviews, like governing, is just too darned hard to finish.

Hi!

Tomorrow I'm going to meet some fellow blogging deadbabymamas.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that I owe my sanity to these ladies.

And while such a get together may have been sad and depressing just a couple short years ago...tonight it feels like it's just going to be fun...and good...and right...and oh-my-god-why-didn't-we-do-this-sooner?

I have a feeling I'm going to embarass myself.

What a difference a year makes

Tonight was parent-teacher conferences and I am happy to say that there were NO surprises. We have been fully informed of Sam's progress every week and we already know what his strengths and weaknesses are. THIS is what it should be like.

I mentioned our concerns about the vast amount of work they are doing in class and the teacher agreed that "we have a lot of expectations of second graders these days"...and SHE'S not entirely sure they are all age-appropriate. She said there's nothing to worry about at this stage if Sam's not getting it all done every day. She said that she understands Sam has a desire to be the class clown that interferes with his ability to perform...and she's working on it with him.

We survived two years of really BAD teachers and have reached the promised land!

Yay!

This would be funny...if...

So a client (and friend) walks into my office this afternoon and hands me a sheet with the login information for his caringbridge site.

(This would be the place for the punchline if this were a joke.)

"I thought you knew."

I didn't.

I have seen cancer ravage the healthiest of individuals...people I love. Some are still living with cancer...but they are not the same as before. Some...well...I can't even say it. Not now. Not with the same breath as I speak Nathan's name.

I told him that some day it will be funny...

Remember the way you told me you had cancer? hahaha

Some day it WILL be funny.

Right?

Money Money Money

I forgot to pay a couple bills.
One company wanted to charge me $14.95 to pay a credit card bill over the phone.
One company (that happens to be a client...how's that for irony?) threatened to turn off our water.
One company threatened to turn us over to collections...for $40.
One company DID turn us over to collections...for $60 (electric company bill I refuse to pay).
The eye doctor wanted money for my new glasses.
The prescription insurance company wants their $20 for Sam's medication.
I just got notice that our insurance is going to cost more but provide less coverage.
The bank has raised our mortgage payment...twice...in the last six months.
We still owe the petsitter for a weekend job they did for us two months ago.
I owe my office manager $5 for the boss's day gift she got.
I owe the lady down the hall $2.

It's really all about money, isn't it?

Everyone I know is in this very large boat that feels like it could sink straight to the bottom at any moment. The cell phone contract would cost us $$$ to terminate. The TV contract would cost us $$$ to terminate. We can't stop paying for the water or the electric or the cars or the house. The government wants their money for the education they so-expensively provided me.

Underneath it all...I'm unhappy in my job. I don't dig ditches or anything that's really HARD work. I work my brain...sorting out legal squabbles...solving problems. I keep telling myself that the intangible benefits make it worth while. But then I pay bills and think how stupid I'm being. This just isn't what I want.

I could design crochet patterns. I could sew. I could do a zillion things in this world. My girlfriend is a photographer. I would LOVE to be a photographer. A wedding photographer, actually. I studied videography in college and, though it's not exactly the same, it provides a base of knowledge. And now that I know how my fancy camera works, I could really do it.

But...then there's the money...

Where do you find inspiration when you're getting older and you have responsibilities? Where do you find the courage to just go for it? How do you chuck self-doubt and try to make your dreams a reality? Or is there a point in life when it's just too late to even try? Is there an age when you just have to settle for what you've got?

65 pages

My son brought home his schoolwork from last week.

All 65 pages of it.

Is this second grade or college?!?!

Sentimentality run amok

I can honestly see how sentimentality can lead to hoarding. In fact, I think I may have some weird "lite" version of this problem (which probably explains all the clutter in my house). Today I went to the local jeweler to trade-in some gold jewelry that I don't wear.

A herringbone chain that pulls the hairs on the back of my neck. A pair of gold hoops that were bent out of shape. A claddagh ring that has cut my finger with its sharp little crown on more than one occasion.

Despite the fact that I haven't worn any of it for all these reasons, there is a part of me that found it so difficult to walk out the door. The chain was a gift from my then-boyfriend-now-husband. The hoops were a Christmas gift from my sister that I wore all the time until they were damaged. The claddagh ring was a gift from my mom.

I KNOW the memories don't disappear with the sale of these pieces. I KNOW these people won't be insulted if I sell these pieces. I KNOW all this. But still I feel guilty and a little sad.

I think I can take consolation in the repairs I'm having done to OTHER jewelry...the pearl ring I bought with my first "real" paycheck...the black hills gold heart ring that was the first piece of jewelry Steve ever bought me...the gold chain Steve got me (last Christmas) for my boys' birthstone charms. But then I wonder about the irrationality of attaching the memories to those things too.

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.

Dogs on Thursday

After being thoroughly embarassed when friends and family noticed dog-hair tumbleweeds in my house, I decided it was time to do some grooming. This is just from ONE dog...and we have eight. Your imagination can do the rest...

Whiskers on Wednesday

Creativity

My husband said something really irritating the other day.

He said, "You're at your happiest when you are being creative."

And now I can't stop thinking about it because he's right and I, (a) hate it when he's right; and (b) wonder what happened to me that he has to point it out for me to see it.

The blogs I read...all creative. Sewing...cooking...scrapbooking...photography. ONE lawyer blog in my entire blogroll of 262 blogs (and I only read that one because she rarely talks law, is an awesome mom, and she tells the best kid stories).

I've been unhappy in my chosen career for a while now. I thought I'd get over it. I kept telling myself that the intangible benefits were worth it. Now, because of my irritating husband, I'm not so sure.

So now what? Is it too early for a midlife crisis at 37?

Back to basics

The.Best.Chicken.Salad.Ever.
Chicken
Mayo
Fresh Cilantro
Rosemary
Pecans
Craisins

Not.Too.Bad.Tuna.Salad
Tuna
Miracle Whip
Fresh Parsley
Celery
Green Onion
Paprika

Baby shower tomorrow at work. I figure if the food is good I won't be able to negatively obsess. Right?

Perfect Moment Monday

Growing pains - a parental perspective

The first few years is easy. Keep them alive. Well...maybe not EASY but at least there is a clear directive and we generally have the skills to manage it (aside from any wonky biological factors that may unexpectedly screw with us). And you go along for a few years and you think you're doing soooo well...

And then they grow up and turn into real little people with little uncontrollable personalities.

And then you get the pleasure of the day the kindergarten teacher ambushes you with the news that your child "is making bad choices about which behaviors to imitate"...

or the first grade teacher shares the news that your child is "spending a lot of time out in the hall for excessive talking"...

or the second grade teacher sends home the weekly report that your child is "orally commenting on other students' incorrect answers."

And what do you do with that? The baby thing is EASY compared to this! You wipe a snotty nose. You give Tylenol for a fever. You're sure to try new foods slowly to keep an eye out for allergic reactions. But this...you have no idea what to do with this.

So you ground the kid. And then he flips out one day at after school pick-up time...and refuses to leave...because he "is NOT getting grounded again." And you think you're being too harsh, so you tell him he can earn his privileges back by making it through a day without talking (getting all his work done). And then he doesn't even make it one day and you begin to wonder...what the hell?!?!?!

And then people start with the analysis and the helpful suggestions and you want to scream...DO YOU REALLY THINK I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT?!?! And then you calm down and realize they're just trying to be helpful and, really, your child IS the one who is misbehaving...and you're posting blog posts where every sentence starts with "and"...so maybe they're justified in thinking you ARE that stupid.

*sigh*

The American Academy of Pediatrics book only goes through age 5! There is no resource for when your kid is scary smart and you worry that maybe he's smarter than you (or maybe there are and I'm just not looking in the right bookstore). The teacher suggests a book...Discipline Without Stress, Punishments or Rewards. I read a few pages and I call bullshit. "A more effective approach than consequences is the use of contingencies." Seriously? Bribery? That's the best ya got, doc? Guess what...it's just semantics. He can earn his privileges if he just behaves for ONE FREAKING DAY. I know he CAN do it...he's done it before. But honestly...I'm not going to hold my breath (and no, I didn't tell him that...I was all, "yay, rah, you can do it!").

I did like this quote from the teacher's book though..."Stress is directly related to perceiving the world as manageable or unmanageable." Ya think?!?! Maybe I should send the good doctor my blog to read. But I digress...

Positivity and choice are GREAT concepts. But how about for the child that consistently makes the wrong choices? All this choice crap does is leave him (and his mother) feeling like a failure. And isn't that just great fodder for therapy later in life?

Parent-Teacher conferences aren't until the second week of November but I'm afraid I'm not going to last that long. See, I know my child. Surprising, but true. He has always enjoyed being the center of attention. Even more, he loves making the crowd laugh. While this may serve him well in a future career as a stand-up comedian, it's not really a great personality for second grade. And while I do want him to be respectful of other people and be mindful of classroom rules, I don't want to extinguish that spark of individuality he has.

I spent SO many years being afraid of the rules...being "the good girl"...that becoming an adult has been somewhat painful. It's been a difficult accepting that not everyone is watching me, sizing me up, judging my behavior against some mysterious standard of acceptability. I don't want that for my son.

And there is a part of me that resents that I have to worry about this. I mean, I've got enough on my plate keeping these boys entertained enough that they don't seriously maim one another in the evenings...where is the teacher for that? Can I call her and get her help? Nope. We're on our own. So how are we responsible for his classroom behavior? Shouldn't that be...I don't know...HER job to manage? To teach him more than 2+2...to teach him social skills and the rules of appropriate behavior for the classroom (and someday, hopefully, the work environment)?

Yes...I KNOW I need to reinforce the lessons taught in class. And I DO! I swear! This isn't one of those I'm-a-terrible-parent posts. Because I'm doing a pretty damn good job and I'm not so concerned with that. I just need ideas to GET THROUGH to my son...to impress upon him the importance of good behavior without crushing his spirit.

I beginning to think that they don't tell you this stuff deliberately. Because if they told you about this...if that AAP book went beyond age 5...everybody would be too scared to ever have babies.